S may not be the right person for him, but don’t know how to express this without hurting him. How can I make him see my point of view?
My father’s cousin is strange
Hello Guru,
I am a 16-year-old girl and a student of O-Levels. I come from a well-off family. My father is a businessman, while my mother is a housewife. My father is always occupied with work, and my mother is rarely around, busy with her shopping or attending social events. My older brothers and I are generally at home after school with servants.
My problem is related to my father’s cousin, who often visits our home in the evenings. Guru, there is something about him that feels unsettling, and I feel uneasy in his presence. He hasn’t done anything explicitly inappropriate, but the way he looks at me makes me uncomfortable. He isn’t openly lecherous, but some of his comments carry a double meaning, and I’ve started feeling fearful around him.
Guru, do you think I should speak to my mum about this? I did mention once in passing that he seemed strange, but she scolded me and said I must respect my father’s cousin. I’m very confused. Should I stay silent or speak up? What should I do?
Frightened Girl
Dear Frightened Girl,
Sometimes our instincts warn us about the people who mean us harm. Your feelings are valid, and your discomfort deserves to be taken seriously - even if no obvious wrongdoing has occurred yet. You are picking up on signals that don’t feel right to you, and that instinct is important. Trust it. You should not remain silent. It’s essential to speak up when something feels wrong, even if others don’t immediately understand or believe you. Since your mother dismissed your concern before, consider talking to your father, your older brothers, a school counsellor or a teacher. Explain clearly how this man’s presence and comments make you feel. The fact that his words have double meanings and make you uncomfortable is enough reason to take action.
If you can, write down specific things he has said or done that have made you feel uneasy. This will help others understand your concern more clearly. You do not need to wait for something serious to happen before your voice is heard. Your safety, comfort and peace of mind are reason enough to act. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. Please speak up again, but this time, to someone who will listen and support you without judgment.
Good luck!
I am worried about my brother’s choice
Dear Guru,
I am a 23-year-old university student from a modest, middle-income background. I share a close bond with my elder brother, Jay, who is 29 and works at a multinational company. He’s not only good-looking but also well-mannered and popular. My family wants Jay married as soon as possible, as my grandfather is terminally ill.
Recently, I discovered through my best friend F that Jay is romantically involved with her elder sister, S, who also happens to be his colleague. While S is confident and beautiful, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of her becoming part of our family. Our household is quite traditional, whereas S’s family has a very modern and liberal lifestyle, and I worry that she may not be able to adjust to our way of living. Also, S was previously engaged and ended that relationship, apparently to be with my brother. This decision of hers has left a negative impression on me. I feel she may not be the best match for Jay.
Although my mother is aware of their relationship and seems to have no objections, I’m deeply concerned for my brother’s future. I genuinely want to make him realise that S may not be the right person for him, but don’t know how to express this without hurting him. How can I make him see my point of view?
Worried Libra
Dear Worried Libra,
Your concern comes from the love and protectiveness you feel for your brother, and it’s natural to worry about his happiness and future. However, it’s important to approach this situation with care and open-mindedness. Judging someone solely based on their background or past decisions - such as being previously engaged - may not present the full picture of who they truly are. People's lives and choices are complex, and liable to change due to circumstances they are in.
Instead of criticising S for being too modern or unsuitable, try to talk to your brother and ask him what he likes in her and how he envisions their future together. Voice your concerns gently, focus on values, compatibility and expectations rather than attacking her character. For example, you could express your concerns about whether S would feel comfortable and happy within your family’s set-up. Ask him if he has discussed your family’s way of life with her. It’s also worth considering that what may seem ‘too modern’ to one person could simply be confidence and independence to another. If your brother is truly serious about S, it might be better to get to know her better instead of forming opinions based on second-hand information.
Your brother has the right to choose his life partner. Support him by being honest, yet respectful. Don’t endanger your bond with him by criticizing S.
Good luck
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