Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence): Girls be like “I’m fine” and then text basically War and Peace to their bestie....
* Mo Mohler (@MoMohler): I’m looking for a new family doctor. I ran into mine at Taco Bell, and I just can’t take medical advice from someone that eats at Taco Bell.
* Hollie Harris (@allholls): There are currently three different kinds of cooked potatoes in my refrigerator from meals I've made in the past week, if you're looking for a life coach.
* Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence): Girls be like “I’m fine” and then text basically War and Peace to their bestie.
* Ron Iver (@ronnui_): My grandpa fought in Vietnam. Not the war, he went there in 2014 and is really confrontational.
* Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux): Terrible things could happen if you exercise. For starters, you could want to exercise again.
* Jynx (@jynxbby): “You’re so funny.”
Thanks, I always attract men that are a reincarnation of Satan.
* User (@user84829272): It’s unbelievable how much work goes into having a mid physique and relatively clean house.
* L (@Ann_Hedonia1): Excited for another week of giving it my average to below average mediocre best.
The act
A man goes into a circus tent, finds the ringmaster, and asks to join the circus.
“What’s your act?” asks the ringmaster.
“I do bird imitations,” says the man.
“Forget about it!” says the ringmaster. “No one comes to the circus to see bird imitations.”
“Fair enough,” says the man, and flies out of the tent.
A husband and wife have a fight. The wife calls her mom in tears. “He fought with me again,” she sobs. “I am coming to stay with you.”
“No dear,” her mom replies, “he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”
“I’ve been trying to explain the Sunk Cost Fallacy to my son for forty minutes straight now,” a father texts his friend in frustration, “and he’s no nearer understanding than when I started!”
“Oh man!” replies the friend. “So you’re throwing in the towel?”
“Of course not, “ the father replies. “If I quit now, I’ll have gone through all this trouble for nothing!”
“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde
