Darla (@ddsmidt): X-rays are dangerous. They were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...
Darla (@ddsmidt): X-rays are dangerous. They were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix): A good way to prepare for parenting is to talk to rocks because children have similar listening habits.
Tanya (@Tanya_Sabrinaaa): Girl are you a guitar cause you're getting played by the world’s most average guy.
Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau): A pretty great horror movie premise would be a guy who’s tortured by being forced to stare at a tiny, glowing box that enrages him right before he tries to sleep if I didn’t willingly do it to myself every night.
Emilee Honey (@emhoneyreads): If someone tells you that you have too many books, you simply just get rid of them.
The person, that is.
Cali (@calidaysay): We should catch up sometime! Just kidding, that sounds awful.
Jody (@wnbagirlfriend): I hate you platonically.
A man goes into a cafe and asks for breakfast prepared in a specific way.
“I want a full cooked breakfast,” he tells the man behind the counter, “but I need it cooked a certain way.”
“Can I have chicken that’s so burnt that it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?” he asks. “I will need the sausages to be so rubbery that you could bounce them off the ground and they would hit the roof,” he further specifies.
“Also, can I have all the shells broken up in my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline, served alongside charred toasts?” he continues. “And can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy congealed slime?”
The man behind the counter given him a stern look and exclaims, “Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?!”
“Well, no,” the guy replies, “but you seemed to find the time yesterday.”
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.” – Katharine Hepburn
