Rachel Zegler (@rachelzegler): Sat next to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in an airport lounge today and it took everything in me not to wish her a Happy Presidents’ Day....
Xwit
* Rachel Zegler (@rachelzegler): Sat next to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in an airport lounge today and it took everything in me not to wish her a Happy Presidents’ Day.
* Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites): Me when I have friends over: Please treat my home as your home. Make yourself comfortable. Allow me to express my love for you through hospitality!!!!!!
Me staying with friends: Might I perhaps be permitted to drink a glass of water from your faucet if it is not too much bother?
* Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau): Lost my job as a bridge troll because my riddles were “weirdly personal” and “why are your ankles like that?” isn’t a riddle.
* Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle): Sometimes I think it’s a bit much when we have a go at kids for being on their phones instead of enjoying the natural world, when we have killed the natural world.
* Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl): Dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult, then spend eight hours terrorized by my high school locker combination.
Laugh lines Dentist visit
A woman and her husband had to interrupt their holiday to go to the dentist for an emergency dental procedure, none too pleased that it was cutting into their vacation time.
“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any painkillers because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
“Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.” – Paula Poundstone
