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Who’s the boss?  

By Lubna Jerar Naqvi
Tue, 05, 16

This Mother’s Day, make an effort to realise your faults and fix them...

parenting

This Mother’s Day, make an effort to realise your faults and fix them...

There are some people who are lucky enough to form a bond of friendship and trust with their mothers. However, not all children are raised under the same circumstances and there are some mothers who overstep their boundaries as a parent. This Mother’s Day, make an effort to realise your faults and fix them.

Here’s the story of Rani, whose life revolves around controlling her children. Unfortunately, her overprotective nature is creating numerous issues in her children’s life.

Rani has two boys and one girl, all in their teens. She loves her children and spends her day doing chores for them: picking and dropping them from school and tuition centres; taking them to the park/shopping; tending to their basic needs.

Although, Rani loves her children to death, she believes that she needs to be strict with them so that they don’t falter. One would assume it’s a good thing considering children are exposed to a lot of things nowadays. However, the approach Rani uses is completely wrong. She keeps a close watch on her children and controls them in everything they do. She even doesn’t see any harm in beating them to keep them in line.

Rani’s so-called maternal care seems to be having an adverse affect on her children and the way they are growing up. She suffocates them with her presence all the time and refuses to grant them personal space. Her 16-year-old son finds it difficult to interact with his peers because he is always being monitored by his mother. He is not allowed to go out and if his friends want to meet him they have to come over to his house. This is extremely uncomfortable for the young men because Rani always sits with them, constantly talking to them in an intrusive manner. Her son does not have the courage to tell her to back off and he ends up being the butt of all the jokes in school and has lost many friends.

Even the family outings are controlled and planned by Rani. Occasionally her children suggest a place to go. But even these outings are not entertaining for any of them as she rushes her children through the day, afraid they will get influenced by other children’s bad behaviour. Rani keeps them in isolation so that they adhere to the rules of her ‘upbringing’ and not acquire any trait she considers bad.

Her elder daughter (18 years) does not have friends either since Rani does not allow her to befriend girls her age. Rani believes they will pollute her daughter’s mind. She is sure that her daughter will rebel if she meets others of her age and become corrupt.

Like Rani’s son, her daughter does not go out except with her mother and siblings and therefore has no social interaction with people. And like her brother, she has no social skills and therefore appears awkward in any social setting. If she is ever the centre of attention (God forbid of a boy’s) then she will be held responsible for ‘attracting’ people and put into further isolation - if that is possible.

Mothers like Rani don’t understand that they are the main problem in their children’s lives. They will never accept that their controlling nature will have devastating consequences for their children. These children will always rely on their mothers and will never be able to take decisions independently. Such children also suffer from low esteem and lack of trust on themselves and also on others.

Turning to their mothers usually adds to the problem since this type of mother will hold her kids responsible for the troubles. Such children are bullied and blackmailed because they cannot tell their parents anything without getting into trouble.

On the contrary, all parents especially moms should build some kind of trust with their children so they can turn to them in times of need. A mother should help her children in developing relationships with friends and other people they interact with. Instead of being strict and suspicious, mothers should keep a channel of communication open with their children and protect them from falling prey to blackmailers and harassers. 

Mothers should never blame their daughters for ‘attracting male attention’ but should help empower their daughters to stand up to such people without fear. This will reduce a lot of problems that girls face alone.

Mothers like Rani fail to understand that their children are individuals who need space to become adults. Of course, being a little strict and keeping a watchful eye is necessary, but that doesn’t mean that a mom has the right to take over her child’s life completely.

Overprotective mothers may need to consider simple things that can make their relationships with the children better.

  • Let your child learn from his/her own experience.
  • Let your child socialise with other children.
  • Let your child make friends.
  • Allow your child to make mistakes and learn from them.
  • And most importantly, give your child breathing space.