I want him to change into a better person. I really love him and I know deep down he loves me too. Can I change him?
Can I change him?
Salam Guru,
I am a 23-year-old girl. I belong to a middle-class family. My problem is related to my best friend, M. I really love him but he never reciprocates my feelings. He is also very abusive but I tolerate his insulting behaviour as I love him deeply and I am the only one who is close to him. Actually, he has some psychological issues, too. He lost one arm in an accident some time back and since then he has become very lonely, depressed and cynical. He takes everything from me and never gives back. I don’t care about the material things but what hurts me most is that he does not care about my sentiments. He always wants me to console him but on the other hand he has nothing to offer except for empty promises. He always gets into trouble and frankly, Guru, now I am tired of cleaning up his mess. I don’t have the heart to leave him because of his disability. I want him to change into a better person. I really love him and I know deep down he loves me too. Can I change him?
Helpless Damsel
Dear Helpless Damsel,
It is very clear from your letter that M is not mentally stable and he needs professional counselling. M is one of those guys who let their disability overwhelm them. His disability does not give him the right to abuse you. He knows you are a kind hearted girl, so he is taking undue advantage of you. He knows that you love him and will never leave him so he let out all his frustrations on you. I just fail to understand why you are putting up with his offensive behaviour? Come on, girl, think practically: you cannot be his punching bag all your life. Forget about changing him. No one can change him unless he wants to bring a positive change in himself, and go for professional help. I advise you to get out of this abusive relationship. I know it won’t be easy for you to leave him as you love him but you have to be realistic. You know that this relationship is going nowhere. Don’t feel guilty about leaving him. He hasn’t given you anything except for false promises and tears. You have a right to have a tension free life and for that you have to make this tough decision. Good luck!
In the state of doldrums
Salam Guru,
I am a 36-year-old married man. I have been teaching in a private college as a lecturer. According to my colleagues and students, I am very handsome. In fact, I am very popular among my female students. They praise me a lot because of my good looks and charming personality. Guru, it’s true that I am flattered by their appreciation but I never cross my limits. I am a decent man and I know I have to behave in a dignified manner. I am not interested in having affair with anyone as I am very happy with my wife. But, of late, I have been facing a lot of problems from a female student of mine. She has a major crush on me and wants to marry me despite knowing that I am a married man. The girl is adamant about having a relationship with me. She has even spread rumours about our clandestine affair (which does not exist). Guru, I have a good reputation and I don’t want to ruin it. I am quite worried. I don’t know how to make her understand that I am not interested in her. Can you help?
Vexed Lecturer
Dear Vexed Lecturer,
Beautiful people always have admirers. It’s quite natural that girls fall for you as you have a charming personality. You can’t blame these teenagers as they normally get inspired by good looks. As far as your female student is concerned, I think the best way to deal with her is to ignore her. The whole college knows you are a decent guy so even if she spreads rumours against you, nobody will believe her. And since rumours are baseless, they will die soon. You shouldn’t worry about your reputation. Keep your cool and don’t show that this girl is important to you. She cannot bring any harm to you. Instead of getting worried, try to deal with the situation sensibly. Do one thing: talk to her in a firm tone and tell her to stop bothering you or you will call her parents. This threat of yours should be good enough to keep her at bay. Good luck!
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