After a number of tray sessions (read rishtas) happening since I was 23, I finally settled down with the.....
OPINION
After a number of tray sessions (read rishtas) happening since I was 23, I finally settled down with the ‘prince charming’ every girl dreams of. The rishta process was a bit intimidating, but one day my life took a surprising turn. Bam, I was nikkah-fied! I was happy because I thought that the famous ‘adjustment struggles’ won’t come my way, as I would have some time to get to know the guy till my rukhsati. But, who knew about the challenges we would face during this time? I think every girl who is engaged or in nikkah of someone must know what I am talking about. So, here are the problems, myriad changes and dilemmas girls face during this phase when they are trying to strengthen the relationship with their partner.
It’s been two months since my nikkah and I feel as if my world has turned topsy-turvy. The first challenge is handling a guy with a completely different mindset. He is truthful, honest, a mentor and a true admirer of my talents. On the other hand, I am an aggressive, blunt and impulsive person. I am unable to comprehend how to act in this relationship and put an automatic filter in my mouth (yes, you need it when the relationship hasn’t reached a certain point of maturity), but I don’t know how I will do it. To be precise, I am pretty confused.
Be it love marriage or an arranged one, you are subjected to a million trials during the relationship. In my case, things have been terrible so far! I am totally clueless about his likes and dislikes, which impacts my actions and his reactions. There is a difference of opinion and perceptions about life and people. Also, our pace is different. He is a true romantic, but I want to take things slowly and gradually. It’s just that I can’t fall in love with someone I met on the day of my nikkah for the first time. I need some time. I never imagined myself marrying this way since I have always been very independent. Even my family and friends were surprised when they found out I was marrying someone I didn’t know. But when you are someone who gives priority to what is right over what you like, you have to make some very bold decisions in life. For me, this was the only ‘right’ thing and I said yes to the proposal.
I do not mean to say that the period post nikah and engagement is always turbulent. With numerous challenges during the courtship period, there are perks, too. There is always ‘calm’ after ‘chaos’ and things do settle down eventually. For me, time is the best counsellor in married life. It helps you understand each other and learn how to tackle tough situations. I am also on a learning curve; you have to learn to depend on it and stay patient.
I’m not alone; there are a number of girls who face several challenges during their courtship period. Saniya and Zayaan got engaged after dating each other for three years. Now when they are about to get married, Saniya feels agitated. “Zayyan’s parents belong to a conservative background and for me it’s one of the biggest problems in this relationship,” Saniya laments. “Also, there is a complete patriarchal hold in his family and most of them are not educated. I feel bad because they are more concerned about me learning cooking rather than my grades. They never ask about my work because it’s the least important for them. I won’t get married till I have a separate house. At least, that is what Zayyan and I want. My parents also agree with us; they know I can’t live there. So yes, the basic issue is saving enough money to live separately.”
Apart from this, Saniya says that her in-laws interfere a lot. They often emotionally blackmail her and her family, and pretend to be innocent. Her fiancé also thinks that his family is too naïve to understand her issues. Saniya has to work a lot on her relationship with Zayyan but due to her in-laws’ interference, the couple’s attention remains fixated on petty issues. This also creates misunderstandings between them, which disturbs Saniya to a great extent.
In the courtship period, unrealistic expectations from each other can make things worse, which is the case with Aisha. Aisha and Zaviar are childhood lovers but, in her opinion, even love doesn’t help in marital relationship. Their life took a massive turn when they signed their nikkah. “Since we have known each other for so long, I expect a lot from him. However, sometimes your expectations bring a lot of complications. I have noticed that behaviours usually change after nikkah. He doesn’t pamper me the way he used to before our nikkah. Maybe it’s my mistake that I still consider him my knight in shining armour, and do not see the ‘real’ human being that he is,” Aisha wonders. Another problem is that when Aisha tries to discuss this issue, Zaviar turns a deaf ear and tells her that things will be smooth after rukhsati, when they will actually start living together. “You may feel hurt, and struggle to understand that after frequent explanations, your partner still doesn’t ‘get it’. You keep saying the same thing over and over again, but it only causes more arguments,” Aisha observes. “Maybe we both need to figure out this new bond and the changes it has brought in our lives. Hopefully, things would get better after my ruksati as Zaviar says, but I feel scared,” she adds.
Spending your courtship period smoothly demands lots of patience and understanding of situations. For me, a fair and happy marriage is not a dream; it can be a reality. People wish to enjoy relationships that are satisfying and long-lasting. But, to do that, they need to stop idealising, and avoid unrealistic expectations from each other. In order to enjoy the pre marriage period, be open and welcoming, take time to decide things and try to continue this journey with a positive frame of mind. In this way, hopefully, your relationship will become strong instead of becoming a burden.
