Know regrets

Perhaps, the best treatment to give to regrets is to jettison them. What’s done cannot be undone. Calling back yesterday is always late.

“Opportunities flit by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone”. These captivating lines, which I often read for inspiration to avoid and expunge feelings of regret, were written by Jerome K Jerome in his book “The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow”, published in 1889.

Is regret a pastime? Yes, it is, to many. Afflicted with this trait, they love to live in regrets and you will find them always, the most willing recounters of their regrets, personal or otherwise. Why do they indulge? It is because regret masks inadequacies. Most, for the many misfortunes faced or for the many missed opportunities in life tend to blame others or even the environment.

Regret takes the possessor to the pathway of depression, where the destination, is the emergence of suicidal tendencies. Such take no responsibility for the mire they are in; it is always others; it is always the disabling environment, that they love to punch, every single minute of their life of regrets. On a lighter note, but with a fair deal of serious reflection on how attitudes of regret are formed, let me mention about my eldest brother’s dearest friend, who while playing cricket never accepted that he played a bad shot with the bat, for which reason he would invariably get out; it was for him always, that either the pitch was bad, or the bat’s blade was chipped, or the light was dim or the bowler’s action was flawed and faulty -- he only found faults, with others and the environment, and that ultimately became his habit of expressing regret over non-performance. His shell of refusal to accept his shortcomings was so hard that it never let any correctional light in. So, was the case of reaction, by him in every other facet of life.

At work place, we remain insensitive to the emotional needs of our colleagues. In fact, bereavement faced by a colleague, is ignored too, either intentionally or because of being unblest with emotions of empathy and sympathy. Pity is foreign to such supervisors and then there is a complete failure in recognising that their insensitive reactions return as regrets to haunt them later in life. Then it cannot be undone. Don’t regret and don’t be the cause of regret to any colleague. Forgo action that will end up in pain later.

“I did not get that promotion because of that SOB boss” is a perfected regret that all of us get to hear in the corridors of our offices. Here the individual is just unwilling to look, if he and his inabilities, are the actual reason for not being considered for an upward push. It is so deceivingly pleasing to blame others for either one’s own faults or even one’s own inadequacies.

In career pursuits, most regret the undone and not the done. What is conveniently forgotten is that, it is usually the faulty quality of the done, that halts arrival of fresh challenges and hence a lot is undone. I had a very senior colleague (by age and experience) who in every single conversation blamed with a deep sense of anger, resentment, and regret, his boss, for his slow growth on the organisation’s ladder; never once did he say or admit that may be he lacked the skill, ability and talent to progress. He never mentioned what steps he took for his own personal development. Even today, he laments. He regrets. Grieve not for what cannot be helped.

It is only the down right honest, who regret their vices and shortcomings; many also surprisingly regret their virtues. Here the belief held is that the possession of virtue was the restraining factor, for happiness to be part of their lives. “ because the boss knows. I am criminally honest, hence he/she doesn’t befriend me”, is a common regret, too.

Personal regrets can include emotional incapacitation --- many regret that they couldn’t or not timely express feelings of love to any relationship, ranging from the love for the beloved of the opposite gender to expressing of love to either parents or off-springs.

Regrets, on the hospital- or death-bed are more formidably painful. I had read in a book, the following quotes of a nurse, who spent years caring for the dying patients. Some of the oft-repeated regrets were: “ I wish, I hadn’t worked so hard,”; “I wish instead of nurturing pain within me, I should have bluntly told the true feelings, I held on various issues of life”, “ I wish, I had spent more time in making friends”, I wish, I had said, I love thee” or the even more painful, “I wish, I had let myself be happier, smiled more and taken life less seriously”. The end of passion is the beginning of regret, I learnt, from the above quote.

What does this last minute moaning represent and indicate? An admission of not leading a balanced life; of not being on the middle road and of not being conscious that life has death, as its permanent accomplice and partner.”If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person's life sorrow and suffering to disarm hostility” (Shaikh Saadi). We delay saying “sorry” and “thank you” , which create in the long run, the deepest wounds of regret. On the deathbed, the once pleasing act of hunting and hurting the enemy (real or perceived?) seems, so regretful. It is no time to stoop when the head is off!

Taken from ancient adages, “Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow is only a vision. But today well-lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope”. All of us expect to be blessed with Noah’s years of life and hence keep postponing doing the essentials for making life beautiful, now and here. The end is always nigh -so the action to expunge regrets, is now. A hundred pounds of sorrow pays not one ounce of debt.

Irreparable, sticky, and chronic remorse is the most undesirable trait to possess. All thought and action that may cause future grief must be avoided, but if done, it is best to confess to oneself and then commit never to do so again. That’s the only redemption for avoiding “regret”.

Employing feelings of remorse to self-flagellate oneself is no answer or solution; it is the resolution of not repeating “acts of regret”, through self restraint, and this will prove to be a better dampener to regret. It is far better to confess regret than suffer long periods of repentance.

To avoid, lifelong regrets at the professional level, it is best to be wary that one doesn’t hurt any colleague’s sentiments, emotions, and aspirations; instead attempt to proactively empathise and care. And at the level of avoiding personal regrets, it is good to deploy spirituality in our daily lives; we should allow it to remain in attendance, with us every single moment.

A manager or a parent, who has even an iota of spirituality will indeed be a great manager, leader and above all a good parent. Leading a life in quest of happiness and then gifting it to others, will be a life that shall have no regrets. I admit, in comparison to yesteryears, it is becoming increasingly difficult to die without regrets.

The writer is a senior banker and a freelance columnist