Xwit

* Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): Me: I’d like to copy and paste from this PDF please.

Adobe Acrobat: No worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t’.

* AndrewNadeau(@TheAndrewNadeau): Mom: Please, please just go play with the other children.

Christopher Robin: *googling how to order Zoloft* I can’t, the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed.

* Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_): Eye doctor: How many hours per day do you spend working at the computer?

Me: One or two.

Doctor: That’s great! Most of my clients are at their computers all day.

Me: Oh, I’m on my computer 14 hours a day. But very few working.

* Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats): Someone on Twitter: I love pickles!

Someone else on Twitter: Actually, pickles were the cause of a major massacre in 1625. When the King of Croatia choked on a pickle and beheaded all the pickle farmers. So liking pickles is actually very problematic.

Laugh lines 

Good intentions

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands, he came upon the seven-year-old son of one of the deacons of the church.

“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.

As he was doing so, he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.

“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”

“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.

“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had, and I want to help you.”

Points to ponder

“Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.” – Johann Kaspar Lavater