Self-reflection, seemingly my annual tradition as Father’s Day approaches, hit me earlier and for longer this year...
parenting
Self-reflection, seemingly my annual tradition as Father’s Day approaches, hit me earlier and for longer this year. Like an annual appraisal at work with my manager, I think of what I have done well with, what I could have done differently and what I want to centre on for the time ahead.
2025 has thrown with it a gargantuan challenge; something which I was ill-prepared to hear, process and deal with myself let alone navigating my mother, wife and children through. I lost my nephew in March – a son, brother, grandson, nephew and cousin. We always thought would be with us, was no longer.
Away from the memories and processing of the grief, the last two months have also prompted me to think about who I am as a father. From the attention on routines, schedule and boundaries to suddenly only really wanting nothing more than to just be with them, all of us together. Boundaries and routines out of the window, just wanting to follow our hearts in each moment.
Of the two of us, my wife has always used her instinct more than I do. I am the over thinker and the planner. Listening to my heart did not come naturally to me. Maybe it won’t in the weeks and months to come, either. But over the last two months it has designed my thinking and it is a feeling and way of parenting I am desperate to not let go of.
I used to get called a ‘good dad’ just for doing basics, while seeing mums around me do 90 per cent more parenting while also running households and fulfilling employment, only ever had their flaws pointed out to them. I did not understand it then, I understand it even less now. Following your heart and instinct is in many ways harder than executing a plan. The uncertainty of outcome and whether the right path is being followed is the unknown I find challenging to process.
And ultimately, that is what I want to change within myself. When we go through major life events, whether it is marriage, becoming a parent or dealing with a bereavement, whether consciously or subconsciously, our outlook changes. To make sure we can try and make the most of the time we have, I believe it is incumbent on us to take positives out of even what is the hardest of circumstances.
My nephew’s passing has had a profound impact on me and my entire family. To stop living and simply exist is a simple trap to fall into. I have learned that it is key for us to take a moratorium from life and assess the benefit that can come out of even the deepest of trauma.
For me, I am determined that my children benefit from a change in me that sees a shift away, for example, from a focus on punctuality to a seeking to leave for a destination in the right way. No longer ‘dinner time’, more like ‘it’s dinner time if you are hungry enough’. I was, perhaps, adding needless stress into the lives of these little humans with my own determination for wanting things done in a certain way, my way then of trying to be a good dad – I cannot think a benefit greater to my children’s well-being than removing as much of a stress cloud as I can to ‘actually’ be a good dad.
We think as we grow up, that in many ways, our parents are nagging us to do things we do not think are necessary. It is something most of us are guilty of. Modern parenting has taken this a step further with well-being having more attention as the essence of parenting than just being well. Beyond making sure children are fed and well slept, we now wonder if they’ve eaten the right things, how has their day at school been, any interactions of concern, what triggers downturns in moods and the like.
I always presumed I checked in enough, while balancing the needs of everyday life. After all, I was told enough times what a good job I was doing! What I have learned since March, is that there is no such thing as checking in enough. Well-being changes on a day-to-day basis, being OK one day does not mean we should become complacent. That is what life and ensuring the wheel of family life keeps on turning probably distracted me from.
Shifting my own mind-set to put more heart into helping Lu’Lu and Raffi get value from their journeys rather than their destinations is a leap I now know I have to make. That journey is one we can easily as parents take for granted because we have such an eye on outcomes. But outcomes do not define our children, but what they do on the way shows who they are on the path to becoming. If I want my children to be the rounded people we all want the next generation to be, it is the journey which will enrich them more than how they feel about the end result.
That has to be my new goal as a parent; not just wanting them to achieve but learn, reflect, grow, giving and taking inspiration along the way. I have written in the past how I want my daughter to grow up in an equitable world. I want my son to be the best version of himself in the right way. I still want those things; I just now wish to actively be aware of how they get there.
The aim of this piece was not to be overly self-critical and seek reassurance. I know what I do well. I know what I learned from my own abbu and how even this difficult Father’s Day will not pass without me wishing he was there to see his legacy. It’s merely an expression of my own exploration given the events of the last few months, a realisation that what I have held as dear for the last 11 years has almost instantly revolved.
As dads like me take in the well wishes on Father’s Day, we should also reflect on fatherhood being its own evolving journey and not a destination we congratulate ourselves on reaching. My dad used to say there is never a room big enough for improvement; particularly pertinent when it comes to fatherhood.
Naveed Khan is a passionate writer and a lawyer by profession, based in London.
