US

COMIC RELIEF

US
By US Desk
Fri, 10, 19

Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you?

Ways to get rid of telemarketers

  • If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  • If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
  • If they say they’re Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  • Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
  • Say, “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
  • If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out? You can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood?”
  • Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them, too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there, too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

Have faith

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

“Help! Is anybody up there?” he shouted.

A voice boomed through the gorge:

“I will help you, but first you must have faith in me.”

“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is anyone else up there I could talk to?”