US

Comic relief

US
By Usama Rasheed
Fri, 11, 18

When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair......

Great lessons you learn in different ages

Childhood

  • When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
  • If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. Parents always catch the second person.
  • Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
  • You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
  • Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
  • The best place to be when you’re sad is grandpa’s lap.

Adulthood

  • Raising kids is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  • Wrinkles don’t hurt.
  • Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, but with a few nuts.
  • Laughing is a good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Old age

  • Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
  • Forget the healthy food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
  • When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
  • You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  • It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  • Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
  • Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Winning by paying

There was a beautiful, young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine for a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached into her purse again, pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put them in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman, who’d been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. “Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?”

She looked at him and indignantly asked, “Well, can’t you see I’m still winning?”

Compiled by Usama Rasheed