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By You Desk
Tue, 10, 22

I am really depressed, Nadine. I am very emotionally attached to her and don’t know what to do....

Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 20-year-old guy, and I live in Dubai. I am in love with a 19-year-old girl, S. I have known S for four years now. For the first two years, we were friends but then we fell in love and have been in a relationship since then. My problem is that we love each other very much, but we fight a lot. When we were just friends, we never fought or offended each other. Now, every second day we are in a fight and then breakup. Then again, the morning after the fight, I apologise and everything goes back to normal for some time. I love her so much that I can’t think of my life without her, so I can’t leave her. Our parents know about us and approve of our relationship. They want us to get married soon.

The reason why we fight is that sometimes I feel insulted or disrespected by her. She doesn’t listen to me or ever agree to whatever I ask of her. She often says things that offend me, but when I say anything to make her realise my feelings, she just says she is right and I am always wrong and I shouldn’t be offended. Another problem is that she never appreciates anything I do for her, and always finds fault with the presents I give her. In addition, she complains I never do anything for her. I try to do everything the way she wants because I want to keep her happy but just can’t do it despite my best efforts. It isn’t that she isn’t nice; she is probably one of the best people I know, but our relationship lacks respect for each other. If I am unable to talk to her at our usual time because of a valid reason, she gets mad at me. I usually don’t argue and change the topic when she gets angry and even apologise. However, I am also human and sometimes I also get angry. When that happens, she becomes furious and shouts so much that my head starts to ache. I know she loves me because when we are not fighting it feels like heaven but most of the times we fight. She also compares me with other guys in such a way that I feel worthless. If I say anything, she tells me it is over between us and she would ask her parents to find another guy for her. I am really depressed, Nadine. I am very emotionally attached to her and don’t know what to do.

Depressed and Hurt

Dear Depressed and Hurt,

Two good people can love each other, but are not always compatible. S may be a nice person but she will never respect you because she thinks she is always right. Despite your love for each other, you are in a toxic relationship, and chances are things will remain the same after your marriage. You say you cannot think of life without her but are you prepared to commit to a lifetime of fighting with S? S compares you to other men, does not respect you at all and thinks you never do anything for her. This clearly shows she is not satisfied with her relationship. She may be in love with you, but is unhappy with way things are between you.

My dear, you are only 20, and don’t need to rush into a marriage you know will not work out. Parents often claim things will be all right after getting married, but that is not what usually happens. Deal in tangibles, young man, and don’t bank on something that may or may not happen in the future. How can S change when she thinks you are the one is always at fault? Still, if you want to try to make your relationship work, discuss what’s bothering you with S, and tell her to think the matters over. Also, men usually tend to put up with a lot from their end but once they are married they expect respect and understanding from their wives. You probably know S will not change, and to make your marriage work you are the one who will have to make all the compromises. I have a feeling you are aware of this and just need someone to tell you that you are right. Explain to your parents you are not ready to get married. Tell S nicely you both aren’t a suitable match and focus on your career. Best of luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e-mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor “You!” magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (5th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.