Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 27-year-old-guy, doctor by profession. I have been in love with a class fellow of mine, J, for six years now. We have a very good relationship and understanding. We both are supportive of each other, and chalked out our future life together when we were in med school. We decided to speak to our parents after clearing our FCPS part 1. Our studies are going fine and we are on the right path.

The problem started when some family member saw me with J at a restaurant and informed my parents. My mother asked me what was going on, and I told her, as I couldn”t lie to her. My mother is very broadminded and wasn”t angry at all. Instead, she asked me to get J”s parents” cell number, to initiate rishta talks. Unfortunately, my father had a heart attack, and my mother couldn”t talk to J”s parents. In the time it took for my father to recover, J”s parents got divorced. Actually, J”s mother was having an affair with her gym trainer and her husband caught them. It was a devastating blow to J, and it took her a lot of time to get over it. J elected to live with her father, and doesn”t see her mother at all. The problem is that my mother has now changed her mind and wants me to forget J. She thinks J would turn out like her mother, and has become totally against our match. J is not like her mother at all. Nadine, I believe that after meeting J, my mother will realise that J and I are a match in every aspect; socially, financially, religiously and even cast wise, but she is not even ready to do this for me. I really love her, but can”t forget J. My father has agreed to meet J”s father, and my sister is also ok with it. I am really depressed and am not sleeping well.

Please tell me what I should do.

Disturbed and Depressed

Dear Disturbed and Depressed,

It is unfortunate that your mother is so set against this match, and I understand your feelings at her refusal to accept J as her daughter-in-law and totally empathise with you. You need to be patient and make your mother understand that you love her very much, and would be very unhappy if she keeps opposing this match. You need to reassure her that J is not like her mother. Request her to meet J because, as you said, meeting her might change her opinion about J. These things are very common in our society, but most boys try to win their mothers to their point of view and you need to do the same. You have a right to marry whom you want, and you are lucky that you now have the support of your father and sister. Just be patient and keep trying to persuade your mother to visit J and her family. I am sure she will accept J if you go about it in a diplomatic way, through your father and sister. Good luck!

Dear Nadine,

I am a 30-year-old guy. I have recently started working after completing my studies, and have a good job. The problem is that my mother wants me to get married. Even that is not a problem because I have to marry eventually, but right now I am in a fix. My mom wants me to marry her brother”s daughter who is about 21. I think she is too young and I want to marry someone who is near my age, or is at least 26 or 27. My father also wants me to marry his sister”s daughter, who is 25. I am not interested in any of my cousins but my father”s niece is closer to what I have in mind for my life partner. However, my mother is not ready to accept her as my future wife. The situation in our home is tense nowadays. My mother keeps bringing up the slights she suffered in her married life at the hands of my father”s sisters. She has refused to consider any of my father”s nieces as my wife. My father, too, is not behaving rationally, and is urging me not to pay attention to what my mother wants. I am sandwiched between the two and do not wish to hurt either of them. What should I do? How can I handle this situation without siding or hurting one of my parents? I love them both very much, and want them to be happy. Please help!

Anxious Son

Dear Anxious Son,

It is very commendable that you care so much about the feelings of your parents. Marriage of an off-spring is a serious and delicate issue, and the situation that has arisen in your family is very common. However, in your case the advantage is that you are not inclined towards any of your cousins and can easily say that you don”t wish to marry in family. Besides, you can also request your parents to give you some time to consolidate your position financially. You probably feel that your father”s choice is closer to your ideal for a wife as she is older to your other cousin but to avoid unpleasantness in future, tell your parents respectfully that you would get married when you can support your wife, and if they wish to marry you someone from family then both of them should endorse the girl. Good luck!

Dear Professor,

I am a new bride. I love my husband and am lucky that I got married to such a caring and loving guy. My mother-in-law is all right, too, but my father-in-law is the one who is giving me sleepless nights. He is in his seventies and is home all the time. He tries to touch me inappropriately when no one else is there, and passes very dirty comments. I try my best not to be alone with him, but sometimes he asks me to make a cup of tea when my mother-in-law is busy. It is these times that are a nightmare. He acts like he is being affectionate, but his hands brush against me in a very lecherous way. If I tell my husband, he will think I am maligning his father. I don”t know what to do. Give me some advice because I am becoming a nervous wreck.

Frightened A

Dear Frightened A,

You are understandably upset, but must try to relax and solve this problem. First of all, as you said, you cannot level such an accusation against your father-in-law without proof. You are a new bride and must be very careful not to do anything to jeopardise your future happiness and position in your husband”s family. In the meantime, do exactly what you have been doing: make sure you are never alone with your father-in-law. Even when he asks you to bring tea, make it a point to ask your mother-in-law to join him. Or delay the chore till your mother-in-law becomes free. Try to keep your cell with you and record his comments if you can. At least, you will be able to use the recording as evidence to make your husband believe you. Best of luck!

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Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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