Letters

Dear Professor,

I am a 66-year-old retired teacher. My husband has his own business, so he still works although he is 68. As a college teacher, I had a busy life. I usually got home around 3:30pm, and after that looking after household chores and seeing to the needs of my husband, his parents and my children used to keep me busy till about 11pm. Then my children grew up and went their own ways. My father-in-law died and I got retired. The problem is that I have too much time and hardly anything to do. My husband goes to work usually around noon and returns at 7pm. After that, nearly all his time is spent with my mother-in-law. She doesn’t let him stay in our room! When he comes from work, he straight away goes to her, and spends about an hour with her. Then he comes to the bedroom and freshens up and runs back to his mama. If he doesn’t go, then she comes to our room and asks him to come to her room. Believe me, my husband hardly spends 15 minutes with me before my mother-in-law calls him. Then he has dinner with her and watches stupid talk shows on TV, till he becomes too sleepy. He comes to the room and goes to sleep almost immediately. I don’t get to talk to him at all. Virtually all his time at home is claimed by his mother. My mother-in-law is a domineering woman. She was unbearable when my father-in-law was alive and made my life a living hell. I had young children and despite seeing how overworked I was, she wouldn’t let my husband hire a cook. She did not like me and did what she could to create differences between me and my husband. My children also were scared of her when they were kids. She used to scold them a lot, and would not let them enter her room! In contrast, she loved my sister-in-law’s children, and was very affectionate with them. They were in her room all the time and she didn’t mind at all. Now that my children are grown-up and settled abroad, she complains that they don’t talk to her. She shunned them when they were growing up, and now expects them to love her and complains to my husband that I am responsible for the behaviour of my children. Her daughter’s children now don’t even visit her, and she misses them very much but doesn’t say a word about them.

I know it seems hilarious’; a woman in her sixties complaining about her 92-year-old mother-in-law, but I am now fed-up! She ruined my life and is still a headache. Now she has stopped scolding me, but has made me isolated. From morning till night, I am alone. I have a husband who hardly has time to talk with me because of his possessive mother. At my age, I don’t really want to fight for my husband’s attention, but don’t know what to do. She now plays the card of old age and weakness. When I complain to my husband, he says that he realises that I am having a tough time, but can’t tell his mother he needs to spend time with me. Everyone tells me she is old and I should not hold anything against her.

What should I do?

Frustrated and Fed-up

Dear Frustrated and Fed-up,

It is very sad how mean some women are with their daughters-in-law when they are strong. They don’t realise that they would become dependent on the same daughters-in-law to look after them in their old age. Most women, however, realise their mistakes and try to make amends. Unfortunately, your mother-in-law has not changed for the better.

Having said that, the fact that remains unchanged is that your children are her grandchildren and she probably thinks she is entitled to their affection. It would not hurt them if they’d do their duty and call their grandmother every now and then. Your feelings and your children’s about their grandmother are understandable, but if she did wrong by you, you don’t have to stoop to that level and payback in her own coin. You cannot compromise your decency for the sake of exacting revenge. My dear, at every age, a woman needs her husband’s company and attention, so you have a valid problem. I know you would not want to do it, but your best solution is to go to your mother-in-law’s room and sit with your husband. She wouldn’t be able to ask you to leave without offending her son, and it’s possible that once she realises you will stay in her room, she might stop calling your husband all the time. You have had a hard life and deserve to have a carefree, happy life. Be charitable and God will bless you now, and in Hereafter. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at adinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi.