Letters

Hello Nadine Khan,

I am a 28-year-old unmarried girl. I am very thin and weak, and don’t feel like eating much. I am always sick and lethargic. There are shadows under my eyes, which give me a very sickly appearance. I want to be full of life like the other girls of my age group and want to get married. Unfortunately, everyone in the family knows that I am almost perpetually ill and no one has offers for me. And, in my family, girls are married within baradari (community). The last woman who came to see me even asked if I had TB. Please give me advice as well as medicine. Also suggest what I should eat so I can gain weight and become strong as soon as possible.

Desperate Daisy

Dear Desperate Daisy,

Some people are naturally thin but healthy otherwise. They don’t become tired easily and don’t become sick all the time. You have not stated whether you are sick or not. If you have a medical problem, you need to consult a doctor. If you are physically weak, you should look after your diet and exercise as well. Lethargy can be due to an idle lifestyle. You need to become physically active. If dark shadows are not a result of some medical problem, you are probably not getting enough sleep. It’s very important to get a good night’s sleep to remain healthy. Walking could be the best exercise for you and if you do it religiously your lethargy would disappear. You will feel active and your appetite will improve automatically. Start walking for 10 minutes and increase your time gradually. Very soon you will be walking for 30 to 45 minutes daily. If possible, join a good gym to improve your physical fitness. Include fresh fruit, and vegetables, dry fruit, eggs, fish and dairy products in your daily diet. Dates are a very good option to boost your energy level, and including them in your diet would make you active and healthy. You can also start taking dietary supplements after consulting your doctor. Good luck!

Hi Nadine,

I am a 17-year-old girl and my parents want me to become a doctor. We live in a joint family and two years back my real uncle tried to abuse me physically. I was saved because a maid came into the room with my tea. I told my mother but she hushed me up. She said no one would believe me and I would be stigmatised. She did not even tell my father for the same reason. I feel bad about the fact that my own father would not believe me! My mother told me that we would soon move into our new house, so I will not have to face my uncle at all. My mother has been very good and understanding and she is very vigilant when my uncle is home. Since that day, my uncle has kept away from me, but whenever I see him I feel terrified. I used to get good grades but I feel depressed all the time and cannot concentrate on my studies. I don’t even feel like going out with my friends. When I was attacked in my own house, anything can happen if I go out! What should I do to become my old friendly and lively self?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You had a traumatic experience and it will take some time for you to recover your confidence and hopefully faith in blood relatives. You are blessed to have an understanding and sensible mother who is doing everything in her power to ensure that your uncle doesn’t bother you again. There are many young people who are so scared of their parents that they suffer the abuse in silence. Whenever you feel depressed, try to talk to your mother or simply go out with her to a movie or any place that can divert you. Going out with friends will make you happy and lift your depression, as you will be with people your own age group. There are a lot of bad wolves out there, but not all people are like your uncle, so don’t deprive yourself of fun in life. Just be careful wherever you are.

It is also very fortunate that you will move into a new house, where you will not have to see your uncle daily. Try to shake off the thoughts that bother you all the time. Once again, you will become the cheerful and friendly person you were, and would be liked by everyone. And, don’t make depression your excuse for not getting good grades. You are 17 now and what happened two years back should not have the power to affect you negatively, especially since you were lucky to escape harm. So, make an effort to concentrate on your studies, as achieving good grades would lift your spirits naturally! Good luck!

Dear Ms Khan,

I am a 34-year-old married man with multiple problems. My wife has been abroad for the past two years, for her specialisation. I live in Pakistan and work to support her. We have a daughter who is looked after by my mother. My wife visits us during semester breaks.

During her absence, I developed feelings for my colleague, and we had physical relationship. She wants to marry me although she knew right from the beginning that I am a married man. At no time did I make any promises to her because I love my wife. So, I cannot marry her. She has some psychological disorder for which she receives treatment on and off.

She has threatened to ruin me and my career if I don’t marry her. I have been very generous with her; in fact, all her jewellery has been bought by me. So, I did not take advantage of her at all. She knew I wouldn’t marry her and I paid her enough to satisfy her.

I want to end this relationship, but she is blackmailing me. My job is very good and I don’t want to leave it. She is now threatening to commit suicide, if I don’t marry her in three months. Her family is aware of all this, but can’t or won’t control her. If my wife finds out that I have been unfaithful, she will leave me, which I can’t bear. I love her too much to let her go, and had this affair just because I am a man and I have some needs. How can I convince this woman to leave me alone? Please advise.

Troubled Husband

Dear Troubled Husband,

You want to have your cake and eat it too, which is a little too optimistic of you. You claim that your colleague knew you would not marry her. Did you tell her clearly that you just wanted a relationship with her to fill the void left by your wife’s absence? Knowing you were married did not necessarily imply that you were only passing time with her because we all know that many married man end up marrying some colleague or the other. Then, you say you love your wife, but obviously not enough to stay true to her. Your wife is also alone wherever she is. Should she also take a lover perhaps, to pass her time? I am sure doing that would not affect the love she has for you! You see, you claim you have needs, but seem to think the same does not apply to your wife! This girl, according to you, has some psychological issues, and should not be subjected to shocks. You have been very mean with her as you knew she was not stable. Your best bet is to talk to her family as only they can persuade her to seek a psychiatrist’s help. Offer to pay for the treatment, too. You have created a mess and I can only hope that things work out. And, even if you have a good job, the best thing would be to seek a position elsewhere. It would be unfair to her if you remain at the same workplace. Your presence could drive her over the edge. Best wishes for the poor girl!

Problems that need a solution? You can e-mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine,

The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.