Letters

 Dear Professor,

I am a 43-year-old working lady. By nature, I am very soft spoken, docile and malleable. My salary has been in five digits since past seven years. My husband, who works at executive level but still earns less than me, takes away all my salary. For the last three years, he has been giving me around 24 per cent of my own salary. We are blessed with two kids, 15 and 12 years old. We move in the elite class and our kids study in a prestigious school. During the last three years, he has been acting as if he is very pious and saint like. I was dumb enough to believe he loves me.

I accidentally stumbled upon his Facebook messages and discovered that he is in a secret relationship with a divorced woman and has married her. I am devastated. Currently, he is abroad for a month, and I plan to throw dirty eggs and tomatoes on him to welcome him when he returns. Plus, I plan to break all glassware and mirrors in my home before confining myself and kids to one room. Is my plan okay? He is a proper hardcore hypocrite and whenever he comes after spending nights with her, he acts very caring and takes us out for dinner, etc.

Besides, I have decided to never give him a penny in the future. His chat shows that he is head over heels in love with her. Still, I think that if he divorces her, my children and I may stay with him. He loves his kids. Is it right to expect that he would divorce her?

I think the problem is that I have been too nice to him and too loyal throughout our marriage. So he has become used to taking me for granted.

Is my plan all right? If not, can you suggest a course of action for me? I have not yet disclosed to him that I know about his secret affair.

Toooo Nice

Dear Toooo Nice,

Your husband should not have betrayed your trust, and I totally understand the heartbreak and anguish it has caused you. He shouldn’t have married that lady without taking you into confidence as a matter of common decency and courtesy, so your anger is fully justified. However, it’s not clear to me how long you have been in possession of this information. Did you know about your husband’s second marriage before he went abroad, or did you discover it afterwards? Because, if you knew before he went and did not welcome him home with rotten tomatoes and dirty eggs when you first found out about his deception, why do you want to do it now? Surely you can hold on to your temper long enough to talk things over?

Taking a second wife without the expressed permission of the first wife is against the country’s law, although religiously a man is not bound by any such condition. Under the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance, 1961 contracting a polygamous marriage without prior consent is subject to penalties of fine and/or imprisonment and the husband becomes bound to make immediate payment of dowry to the existing wife or wives, but the marriage remains valid.

So, my dear, what you need to understand is that he is not in a ‘secret affair’, as you term it. Like it or not, she is as much his wife as you are.

You have the option to stay with your husband, or ask for divorce. You seem to feel that he would divorce his new wife and it is apparent that you are willing to forgive his transgression if he does so. So speak to him and tell him where you stand. You have the right to not spend a penny on him, and it is possible that it was this financial support of yours that enabled him to marry that divorcee in the first place.

You have your children’s future to consider, but it is your right to do what is best for yourself. I wish throwing tomatoes and eggs on him and breaking glassware at home could solve your problem, but life is not that simple. So take stock of your situation calmly and rationally and then act. I am sure you will do the right thing for yourself and your children. Good luck!