Letters

Dear Professor Nadine,

I am a 25-year-old unmarried working woman. My father died when I was 13, leaving my mother and my younger brother dependent on our maternal grandfather. A year after my father’s death, my grandfather forced my mother to re-marry.

My brother and I had to stay with my grandfather, who is a control freak. He never showed us any affection or kindness. He was always cold and distant and we were not happy to live with him because of his autocratic disposition. My mother and step-dad invited us to their house every weekend, and we enjoyed living with them. My mother has two sons from this marriage and we are close to our new brothers. My mother wanted us to live with her, but our grand-dad did not agree to it. He said that our step-dad would not like it, and because I am a girl he does not feel it right that I should live with my step-dad! With me, my grandfather has been extra strict. He did not allow me to hang out with friends. I did not get any pocket money because he feels that girls should not have money in their possession. I wanted to become a doctor, but he forced me to do BBA. I wanted to work but he did not allow me.

About a year back, my uncle, who lives in the US, had sponsored my grand-dad and asked him to move there. When my granddad went to USA, my brother and I went to live with our mom and step-dad. There, I applied for a job in a multinational and was lucky enough to be selected. Working in an open environment made me confident and independent financially. I started making my own decisions and encouraged my brother to start working as well. My brother is in his final year of engineering, and at my encouragement he also joined an institute where he teaches thrice a week. For the first time in our lives, we were happy, and sure of our capabilities and not dependent on anyone else financially. I cannot tell you what a great feeling it is not to be under obligation to anyone and I must appreciate my step-dad’s role; he encouraged and supported us every step of the way, and treated us very kindly. Unfortunately, my grandpa did not like USA and returned within a year and was furious at me for getting a job.

He wants us to move back with him and to quit my job. He does not have a problem with my brother working, but he does not want me to work. I’ve lived an unblemished life because I did not want anyone to say that I became wayward because I lost my father and because my mother re-married. My mother and step-dad have asked us to stay with them permanently, but my grandfather says they have no right to do so.

The funny thing is that I do have a very caring step-dad who doesn’t live with us. Doesn’t he have the right to make our decisions? I want to tell my grand-dad off, but I cannot do it because of my sense of obligation to him for giving us a roof. I want to work till I get married at least. After that, it would depend upon my new situation. Should I leave my granddad’s house and move with my mother? Living under his roof means I will have to obey him. Besides, he doesn’t love us. What should I do?  

Troubled Libra

Dear Troubled Libra,

You are understandably disturbed because you have a good job and you don’t want to quit it. In your case, the death of your father and your mother’s second marriage must have made your maternal grandfather feel responsible for your well being. You seem to be very angry with your grandfather because you think he does not care about you and is ordering you to quit your job because he is a tyrant. It is possible that he does not want you to work because he is old and it’s against his values. He seems cold and despotic to you but he took care of you and your brother, and has done a good job because both of you are well qualified. Your granddad is not demonstrative by nature and although he has looked after you well, he has not given you the warmth and compassion that children need, and that is why you think he doesn’t love you. As far as your step-dad is concerned, he seems like a good person, but he hasn’t played a part in your upbringing, and as such he doesn’t have a right to make decisions for you. If you want his advice, fine, but you are old enough to think things out for yourself and make your own decisions.

Your granddad is probably concerned for your safety and that is why he is against your job. Your frustration is understandable because you have a good job that you don’t want to give up. Ask your mom to talk to her father and intervene for you. Even after making all possible efforts to make your grandfather relent, if he doesn’t come around then you can move with your mother. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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