A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout 'Allleeee Ooop’ really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers, “Allleeee Ooop” in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, “Allleee Ooop” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he -deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "He's not deaf - he's blind."
“It’s as bad as you think, and they are out to get you.”
“If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.”
“I brake for no apparent reason.”
“Sorry, I don't date outside my species!”
“No radio - already stolen.”
“Few women admit their age, few men act it.”
“I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”
Compiled by Usama Rasheed