I don’t know how to end this situation completely, or how to face my family. I really need your guidance....
I am deeply disturbed
Dear Guru,
I am a 25-year-old girl. I’ve been working at a private company for about a year now. When I first joined, a colleague, R, was very helpful and welcoming. He guided me through the settling-in phase, and I appreciated his kindness. Over time, we became close, and a few months into my job, R told me that he wanted to marry me. I was thrilled. He was attractive, kind, and seemed genuine. I told R that if he was serious, he should speak with my parents, and he did just that. My father invited him to dinner. He came and left a good impression, and my parents asked that R’s parents come to meet us too. R said his parents lived in Peshawar but promised to bring them to Karachi soon. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world.
Few days after this meeting, a female colleague, D, asked me casually what I thought of R. I was puzzled and asked why. She hesitated before revealing that R had proposed to her - and that she was considering his proposal. I was stunned. I told her about my relationship with him. She was equally shocked and admitted that she had been giving R money regularly, believing he was sincere. What hit me hardest was realizing that I, too, had been lending him money - even selling my late mother’s ring to help pay for his ACCA exam. When I confronted him, he denied any involvement with D, claiming she was the one chasing him. He also brushed off other female callers who sometimes rang him at work, saying they were just his students.
Eventually, R got a better job offer and left the company. A few days later, he messaged me, saying that his mother was now against our match and that he could no longer marry me. I was devastated. Despite that, he continues to message me, claiming I’m the only one he loves and trusts - but he’s helpless because of his family. He insists on staying in touch and says he can’t go a day without speaking to me.
I’ve stopped answering his calls on my mobile. But he keeps calling the landline at home, and when my sister answers, she unknowingly calls me to the phone. I don’t have the courage to tell my family the truth - I’m afraid they’ll mock or scold me for being so trusting. I feel lost and deeply depressed. I don’t know how to end this situation completely, or how to face my family. I really need your guidance.
Confused and Hurt
Dear Confused and Hurt,
I understand how painful and confusing this situation must be for you, especially after placing your trust - and heart - in someone who misled you. What you’ve been through is a serious breach of trust. R manipulated not just your emotions but your generosity as well. It’s natural to feel hurt and betrayed. You tried to support someone you cared about, and instead, he used your goodwill for his own gain. Unfortunately, people like R often prey on innocent girls and get away with it too.
One of the clearest red flags here is his pattern of borrowing money - not just from you, but from another woman as well. A man who truly respects and loves a woman would not repeatedly ask her for financial help, especially without taking serious steps toward a future together. His excuses about family opposition are just that - excuses. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would stand up for you, not hide behind vague claims of helplessness.
Now is the time for you to protect your dignity and mental peace. Cut off all forms of contact. Block him on your phone, and if necessary, ask your sister not to forward calls from him without giving too many details. It may be hard, but do consider telling your family the truth. Yes, you may face a few hard questions, but in the long run, having their support will help you move on more easily. Keeping everything to yourself only gives R more power to interfere in your life.
Also, you are not foolish - you were kind, but let this experience teach you to guard your heart more carefully. A decent man will never take advantage of your kindness. It will take a little time but you will heal, and when the time is right, you will find someone who truly deserves your trust. Good luck
Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you. john C. Maxwell
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