Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack): Today I put a little splash of milk into my tea mug BEFORE I poured in the boiling water because...
* Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack): Today I put a little splash of milk into my tea mug BEFORE I poured in the boiling water because I don’t live by society’s rules.
* Danielle Nicki (@DanielleNicki): Everybody in Hollywood wants to capture the 18-35 male demographic, but honestly give me 13-17 year old girls because one thing they’re gonna do is be obsessed for the rest of their lives.
* Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson): I personally saw the laboratory in the basement of the Pentagon where the android humanoid @TaylorSwift was fabricated by liberal scientists and Democratic Party operatives. Her songwriting skills were programmed into her cortex by the Dixie Chicks and her silicon endoskeleton, if you look closely, is a composite of Tipper Gore and young Gloria Steinem. Michelle Obama is operating her remote control.
* Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane): 25 years ago today, Family Guy premiered to tepid reviews! And a quarter of a century later, they’re still as tepid as ever! Congrats to us all on our tepidness!
Laugh lines Bad news
A bachelor who, for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother. As soon as he arrives in Paris, he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him.
“Oh, the cat? He’s dead.” said the brother bluntly.
“I can’t believe this!” yells the bachelor. “How could you tell me he’s dead like that?”
“How else was I supposed to tell you?” the brother asked.
“Well, you could have broken it to me gently,“ the bachelor went on. “When I called today, you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called, you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back, but don’t worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day, you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn’t save him.”
The brother thought about this and said, “That does sound better than the way I said it.”
“Never mind,” said the bachelor exasperated. “How’s mother?”
“She’s on the roof,“ the brother replied, “but the fire department is getting her down.”
“Success is a pile of failure that you are standing on.” – Dave Ramsey
