* Dylan Farella (@dfarella): Start each day with a positive thought, like: “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”
* Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix): My wife thinks I’m mad at her but I’m not mad at her but she doesn’t believe me so now she’s mad at me.
* David Burge (@iowahawkblog): If you kids think Bin Laden made some good points, wait’ll I tell you about a vegetarian former art student with an ironic mustache whose impassioned manifesto about the Zionist oppression of his people sparked a worldwide movement.
* Charlie Skelton (@deYook): If your career depends upon you not calling for a ceasefire in Gaza then maybe you need a new career.
* Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle): I hope this Iceland volcano acts as a thruster and pilots us into the Sun.
An Atlanta lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in Georgia and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?” The Farmer replied.
“Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The big-city attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”