* Simon Holland (@simoncholland): The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table.
* Adam Sharp (@AdamCSharp): Had a kid at my door earlier trying to look scary in a kvampire costume...
Me: There’s only one thing that scares me at Halloween
Kid: Which is?
* Jordan Stratton (@jordan_stratton): I have one of those metabolisms where I can eat whatever I want, gain a ton of weight, and I forgot where I was going with this.
* Leen McBeans (@LeenMcBeans): I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women are only in their “prime” during their 20s. Like, what? Excuse me, but I checked the math and that is blatantly false.
Women are also prime at 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough!“
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,“ the old man says. “We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “There’s no way they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, smiling. “Great,” he says, “they’re coming home for Christmas AND paying their own way!!“