Entry 1: Lost and miserable at work
As I sit at my desk, buried under a never-ending pile of work, I can’t help but feel the urge to put pen to paper and pour out my thoughts. It’s been eight long months since I entered this workplace, and it’s been anything but a smooth journey.
Why, I wonder, do some individuals in positions of power choose to target their juniors with acts of cruelty? Why do they derive satisfaction from making others feel inadequate and incompetent? Why can’t they be compassionate, supportive, and understanding? These questions bother me as I navigate the turbulent waters of a toxic workplace.
Each day feels like a rollercoaster ride. One week of relative peace is followed by another filled with chaos and a crushing sense of low self-esteem. It’s an exhausting cycle of stress and uncertainty. Picture this: you work diligently on assignments, only to be told that your work doesn’t meet the desired standard. This critique is often accompanied by threats that your job could be in jeopardy if you don’t improve. In moments of frustration, I find myself thinking, “Just fire me already.” But deep down, I know that this is how employees are quietly pushed out, made to feel so miserable that they eventually resign.
The feeling of constantly fearing for the job you once prayed for is soul-crushing. I remember my prayers were focused on securing a well-paying job, but never did I request a toxic-free environment or kinder colleagues. It dawns on me now that I should have been more comprehensive in my prayers, asking for blessings that covered everything, including nice people to work with.
The most disheartening part of it all is the bleak outlook for career growth. It’s difficult to work under a boss whose authority is shaky, alongside other bullies who give conflicting instructions and blame you for mistakes you haven’t made. They assign you to random desks in the office, for their convenience, without any regard for your comfort or efficiency. These individuals lack basic kindness and empathy, opting instead to report your supposed inadequacies to the HR department. I’ve often been blamed for mistakes I didn’t make, adding to the weight of this already unbearable burden.
What’s worse is that as your reputation in the office takes a hit, your colleagues start to look down on you. They distance themselves, reluctant to associate with the person marked as the “incompetent one.”
I often find myself reminiscing about my old workplace, where I had the privilege of working under the support of a great boss and colleagues. There were challenges, too, but now those difficult times seem like a walk in the park compared to what I face at my new workplace daily.
Emotionally, it’s become increasingly challenging to cope with this toxic environment. As I trudge to work each day, my heart silently cries out, “Someone, please fire me.” But deep down, I yearn for a transformation—a workplace where kindness and professionalism prevail, where my talents can thrive, and where my prayers for a fulfilling career are finally answered.
This is part of a diary series on dealing with bullying at the workplace.