I wouldn’t know how to process it. Why, you may ask? The answer is simple: because I had never actually been in a relationship....
COVER STORY
I am a celebrity gossip junkie. I’m not proud of it, but I accept it. I can tell you which 22-year-old Leo DiCaprio is dating, who’s getting engaged, who’s getting married, who broke up, etc. I know it all. I used to read these statements by celebrity couples: ‘It is with great sadness that we announce an amicable end to our beautiful relationship. We came to this mutual decision after a great deal of soul searching. We remain the best of friends. We would like some privacy at this difficult time,’ blah blah. I wouldn’t think twice about this obviously generic statement. I wouldn’t know how to process it. Why, you may ask? The answer is simple: because I had never actually been in a relationship.
Without getting into specifics, I can tell you that I am at the ripe old age when it has become supremely impolite to ask when I am getting married. Oh, some of the extra-special aunties will still do. But the greater (and more decent) world at large has realized that it's probably not the best idea to pour salt into a festering wound. Like a good, decent Pakistani girl, I had never been in a relationship (yes, I know we are a dying breed, but we exist). In any case, this good, decent Pakistani girl met a (seemingly) good, decent Pakistani boy, and two weeks later, boom! We're engaged. I kid you not, two weeks.
Everyone I know went from like, WHAT! ‘When you know, you know.’ Or they would tell me the story of their best friend's older sister, who met and married within a month and is now living happily ever after. So, any initial misgivings I had about this being too fast went away quickly. Not to mention, yes, I was hooked. It was nice having a fiancé, wearing a ring, having a future to plan, and having late-night phone calls. And then soon after (again, without any specifics), I got dumped. I wish I could have put it in a little nicer, a little more politically correct way, but ‘dumped’ is how it was, whichever way you embellish it. This was no ‘amicable split with mutual soul searching’. Ha! As if! The celebrities lie! It was also a little sudden; if there were signs, I didn't recognize them due to the afore-mentioned lack of relationship experience. The end result is still the same.
So here I am, extremely fresh off a breakup, and initially I am numb, not too sure what to feel or how to put one step in front of the other. That's pretty much days 1 and 2. Day 3 is when it kind of starts to sink in. Now I am truly realizing this. I'm calling my close friends and telling them what happened. The tears are now coming quick and fast. I am now a zombie at work - a very sad zombie at work. The kind of sad zombie that people stop in the hallway and ask if everything is okay, and then they look down at that all-important finger and realize a piece of jewelry is missing. And the understanding dawns on their faces. And then the platitudes come from people who feel sorry for you but don't quite know what to say. But the sad zombie status persists. A couple of days later, I started looking for answers. ‘I need to get over this’, I tell myself. And quite naturally, I do what anyone does when they look for answers. I googled ‘how to get over a breakup’. You might snigger a bit at this, but the good people at Elle and Cosmo clearly knew that one day someone like me would need their fluff piece. From that has stemmed the need to write my very own fluff piece. Desi Isstyle!
So for all my girls (and the five guys who might be reading this clearly very girly article) out there, I just want to put my own coping process out there. Breakups will be there till the end of time, and we need all the help we can get!
Get rid of it all! I got rid of every picture and every memento; even if it was a piece of candy that reminded me of him, it had to go. No reminders are needed. That ceremonial post-breakup burning in every Hollywood break-up movie definitely comes from somewhere. But please, don't actually burn. Our fire brigade system isn't exactly efficient, and you don't want to get a chapal on the back from your mom in this process.
Journaling: I did a lot of this. It's a good way to get out all that you're feeling while still being safe. So much of what you feel when you break up with someone feels stupid in your head. Saying it to someone doesn't feel right. Plus, some of these are intimate details and conversations that just reverberate through your mind. You might not want to tell other people about them, so get ’em all down on paper. You don't have to read it back to yourself, but you can if you want to. It's just there.
Talk! If you're one of those people who processes their emotions by talking about them, talk! Maybe not always to the same friend. Maybe rotate the people you talk to. Let's face it, there is a limit to how much someone can hear you whine. Rotating friends protects them, too.
Don't run after closure if you didn't get any. If someone didn't end things the right way and didn't give you solid reasons, don't run after them. Don't torture yourself trying to imagine what the reasons are. Focus on your own feelings. Yes, all you feel is sadness and disappointment, and it's ok to feel all of that. There is no shame in this. Break-ups happen all the time. Most of the time, it's simply not meant to be. It's not a reflection on you.
There is a time after a breakup when you think they will come back. Don't fall into this trap. Try not to dwell on this thought. It's not happening. People who want to be in your life will find a way to be in your life. He is just not that into you (yep, just like the movie). It's a hard pill, but swallow it.
Initially, we have a tendency to remember all the nice things about the relationship. The sweet things, gestures, and presents, but again, this is a trap. Try to remember the red flags. The things about them that didn't sit well with you all the time they were mean, unavailable, manipulative, or cold towards you. Or they had body odor. Whatever it is, remember that! There's no reason to remember the perfect first meeting or the perfect proposal; it's not worth it.
Resume activities: Try getting into or resuming activities that give you happiness, or at the very least keep you busy. If it's something physical like exercise or a yoga class, all the better! Being sad and healthy is way better than being sad and unhealthy. It's also a great way to take your mind off things.
Avoid anyone who is toxic! I firmly believe that most people are good and genuinely want to help you. But just in case there is someone out there making you feel worse, cut them out! It's not easy going through this. Politeness is not going to win you any medals. There is a time to put yourself first without feeling selfish, and this is it.
Dealing with people who don't yet know. I found this particularly trying. People would ask me when the wedding was, and I would have to say, ‘it's off’. It's like ripping off the bandage again and again. In some ways, the more you say it, the more real it becomes. That is a bit of a blessing. But it's also very painful, especially in the beginning. Later on, it gets easy. Remember that! It does get easy. So hold steady and get through. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
Time! When they say time is the biggest healer, it's true. Unfortunately, how much time it takes you is specific to you. There is no clock, no stopwatch. That being said, keep reminding yourself that they are not worth it! Moping through long periods of your beautiful, God-given life is a disservice to yourself.
Fake it till you make it! There is a time post-breakup when you're not exactly in that acute phase. So you're not as devastated, but there is that low level of sadness that weighs you down. Now is the time to try to be happy. Even if you have to pretend, go out for dinners with your friends, even if you don't want to. Go to concerts, shows, and plays. You might not want to initially, but eventually you will truly start finding the fun in all of these things again.
Talk to someone else! A friend of mine told me that I would feel better once I started talking to other guys. This was literally the first week after I broke up. I distinctly remember thinking, What the heck! How cold! But believe it or not, folk, it's true. I absolutely hate the dating apps - the Minders or the Salaams, whatever. A month or so after my breakup, my friend forced me onto the apps. A couple of weeks into it, I talked to other people, and I started to feel a lot like myself again. If nothing else, it reminds you that there are other people still out there. Some of these people are decent, and they're also looking.
Remember, Allah has a plan! So this is a great time to strengthen your relationship with Him. Quite often, the most peace you will find will be in prayer. There is nothing quite as liberating as leaving your problems to Allah and truly believing that He will take care of all of them for you.
Sometimes, it's also important to think about what you're mourning for. The demise of a relationship is not just about you losing someone you love; it's also about the demise of your dreams and plans for the future. When you're with someone, you consciously or subconsciously start to plan your entire future around them. Dates, vacations, homes, jobs, and kids.
The loss of that person is also tied to the dreams you had for your future. It does put things into perspective a little bit. These dreams can be realized with someone else as well. You did not lose the last guy on the planet by any means. You just have to stick it out and find the right person for you! People have done it before, and so will you!
