Letters

Dear Professor,

I am a 24-year-old unmarried girl. I am average looking, but professionally qualified. In my family, the trend is to marry off girls as early as possible. And since ours is a close-knit community, girls are not married outside the family. Most girls in my family are fair and beautiful, but my complexion is wheatish. That is why no one is interested in me in the community. Most girls my age are already mothers of two to three kids, but I am still unmarried. Owing to my looks, I did not get any good proposals. In fact, I got only one proposal from my community, and although my parents have been trying to force me to accept it, I have refused all pressure so far. The guy, H, is 16 years older than me, and a father of two kids. His wife got a divorce from him through the court. She accused him of cruelty and the judge granted her khula. My mother says that the ‘boy’ is nice and well-settled, and the proposal is very good. She made it clear that with my looks I cannot expect another proposal and will die an old maid. About his wife’s divorce on the basis of cruelty, my mother is not bothered. She says a man sometimes loses his temper and the woman should not make an issue of it. Another thing is that H’s mother is seriously ill, and has been given less than a year by the doctor. She has been pressurizing my parents to accept the proposal as she wants to see her son settled before her death. She has assured my parents that H is now a changed person, and will not beat me.

My parents also told me that once they are gone, my brothers may change towards me. My sisters-in-law seem all right attitude wise, but I don’t know how they feel about this matter. I don’t want my parents to be stuck with me for all their lives, but I don’t wish to get into a marriage I fear more than staying single. I invested seven years of my life in becoming a doctor. After all this hard work, I don’t want some man to beat me at will! There is a proposal for me for the son of my father’s friend, but it is not even being considered because those people are not from our community. My mother is very angry with me, but I want to marry a good person. Otherwise, I wouldn’t mind not getting married. What, in your opinion, is the right choice for me? Spinsterhood or abusive husband?

Desperate Doc

Dear Desperate Doc,

You are only 24 - not in your thirties, so I don’t understand why your parents are feeling so desperate. Just because the trend in your family is to marry girls early, it doesn’t mean that your parents should accept the proposal of a known evil. I think you should wait for a better proposal; you are still young and qualified, and in all probabilities, you will get another proposal sooner or later. Anyway, it is better to remain single than to marry a guy who is a proven abusive husband. Another thing: whether a woman is highly educated or not, she does not deserve an abusive husband. So, whether one is a doctor or a housewife, they deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. The woman who got out of an abusive marriage must have done it after becoming desperate, or she would have tried to make her marriage work because of her kids. Tell your mother that a leopard does not change his spots. So, even if he says he will change, chances are he would revert to bad behaviour. Would your parents like it if you are forced to sue for a divorce on grounds of cruelty?

Try to convince you parents to consider that other proposal. Nowadays, these notions of marrying strictly within the family or community are fast losing grounds. Most people think of what is better for their daughters. So, ask your parents to unbend their rules instead of thinking H is the last man on earth. Good luck.

 

Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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