Letters

Dear Nadine,

I am a 50-year-old working woman. I have been married for 27 years and have 3 children. My husband is a good natured man and is financially very well off. So my life should have been good, but it did not happen. Right from day one, I got nothing but unkindness and meanness from my mother-in-law. She tried to create differences between my husband and me and bad-mouthed me in front of all her family members. For me, life was terrible till my daughter was born two years after my marriage. The birth of my two sons subsequently made things even better, but I had a bad life because of her. Whenever I had a family function, she would do something to create tension. So I could never attend my siblings’ weddings without considerable agitation. She tried to brainwash even my children against me and at one time told my husband I was involved with some other guy! Thank God my husband didn’t believe her and gave her a shut-up call. The thing is that now she has become mentally unbalanced and is not in good shape physically as well. All my relatives - including my own parents - feel I should forget whatever she has done to make me miserable and look after her. Is that fair? My mother told me that if I look after my mother-in-law, God will reward me by not making me suffer in my old age. But how can I forget the times when I she insulted and abused me just like that? Can you imagine the anguish and humiliation I went through! Why shouldn’t her own daughters look after her? They say they have their own homes to run! Is it my duty to do so just because we live in the same house? I had to suffer throughout my life because of this woman and her being sick does not affect me at all. I don’t feel happy at her condition, but I don’t want to look after her. What should I do? If I don’t show sympathy, I know people will blame me only. Besides, she wins this way by making me suffer even now! I don’t want to give her that satisfaction. What should I do?

Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife,

You are justified in feeling the way you do. Your mother-in-law treated you very badly, and she had no right to do so. It is unfortunate that your husband did not support you. He could have made his mother understand that her unjust and provocative behaviour would not be tolerated, but like most men in our society, he probably chose the easier course of ignoring the issue. No one has any right to expect you to do anything for your mother-in-law. Her children alone are responsible and must make arrangements for her. Ask your husband to engage a good maid or attendant for her. For the sake of decency and humanity, agree to supervise the hired help to ensure that your mother-in-law is being looked after well. If you do it, people will appreciate your efforts. If you don’t do even this much, well, there would hardly be any difference in the way your mother-in-law behaved towards you when she was strong, and yours when you are in an assertive position. Religiously, you have no obligation but morally you can be held accountable since she lives with you. You think your mother-in-law will derive happiness by seeing that you are looking after her, but believe me it would be very painful for her to see that she is dependent on you. And, your mother - who seems to be very good human being - is absolutely right. God will reward you if you look after a helpless person.

Dear Nadine,

I am a 24-year-old working girl. I am reserved by nature so I don’t make friends easily, so when I met Y at my workplace, I did not start talking to him immediately. But after a year or so, I got over my natural shyness and we started talking to each other. Y is a nice guy and is very easy to talk to because he does not interrupt or taunt. Very soon we became friends and I started trusting him. Another year went by and we became rather close. He sent his parents with his proposal for me and my parents agreed. We became engaged shortly after that. Y has told me that his family is conservative and his parents only agreed to our match after he threatened to leave their house.  Y has asked me change my lifestyle to fit in his family. After marriage, he expects me to become a housewife and wants me to take a chaddar. I don’t think there is anything wrong with my lifestyle. I am, as I told you, reserved by nature and have only a couple of school friends I go out with. He says I should stop seeing them as in his family girls don’t go out. I told him that I cannot change myself to that extent, and he should have told me all this before we got engaged. He told me to reconsider my position, for he would not marry me if I don’t agree to his parents’ demands. Please help me out. What should I do? Should I agree to all his demands or break up with him?

Deceived

Dear Deceived,

It is just as well that he has told you all this now when you still have the option to break your engagement. Had he done it after marriage, you would have been in deep trouble. But, sometimes things that seem to be very bad turn out in our favour. You now know exactly what is expected of you once you are married. It is totally up to you to decide whether to marry him or not. If you are prepared to sacrifice your independence and conform to the rules of his parents, you can marry him. But, if you think your job and your independence and self-esteem are more important, you should break up. You are still very young, so even if you decide to call it off, you have time to find someone more suitable for you to spend your life with. Good luck!

 

Problems that need a solution?
You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

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