Forty rules of parenting

Let’s start with facts. Babies don’t come with instruction books and no parents are perfect. Everyone learns on the job. Some lessons can be learnt from the experience of others before us and from our own parents, but these are of limited value as times and circumstances change, as do the challenges. Moreover, each family is unique and what works in one family may be completely wrong in another.

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So, basically it’s a hit and miss for most parents. Albeit, some general rules may still be extracted from the wisdom of ages. We could well call them the forty rules of parenting:

• Do not befriend the little monsters. They are conniving and exploitative. Establish your authority from day one. (It won’t last long).
• In a joint family setting, be clear who the alpha dog is going to be and if it’s not you then so be it. Accept it gracefully. The children will sense divisions and play them against you.
• The good cop, bad cop game has few merits. The good cop often ends up over compensating and the bad cop gets stuck in a bad role for life.
• Do not fuss over food. No child will stay hungry for long, but do have the right options available when they go looking. If you’ve stocked up on chips, candies and instant noodles, it is unlikely the child will choose an apple to snack.
• When screaming at them, remember to scream in the mother tongue or they will pick out a small mistake and plague you with it for the rest of your life.
• Do not attempt to chase them unless you are sure you are quick enough to catch them, otherwise you just end up looking silly. A mis-aimed slipper is another no no.
• Most children are amenable to bribes. Use this weapon judiciously.
• Try not to hit. It’s counterproductive. Besides it’s inevitably you who ends up more hurt.
• Actions speak louder than words. If you want them to work hard, value time, be truthful, honest -- show them. Don’t lecture.
• Make family traditions. Celebrating occasions, having family rituals, doing things for each other, creates bonds. Establishing routines gives stability. In an uncertain, often hostile outside world these familiar constants are like emotional anchors.
• Bank happy memories. They come in use when times are rough. And it’s the ordinary moments that stick. Hair oiling days, notes in the lunch box, movie nights, birthday surprises…
• Play board games. Also, sometimes let them be bored.
• Read to them. I’d put this on top of the list.
• Do joint family activities rather than buying expensive things. Go on trips, fix the garden, wash the motorbike/car. Things lose value but experiences last. Have fun together.
• Eat together. Many a family issue can be resolved over the dining table.
• Do not make rules you cannot implement.
• Encourage outdoor activities and sports. Let them get dirty. ‘Daagh to achay hotay hain’.
• Allow scribbles and posters on the bedroom walls
• Dress them nicely. They will blame you forever for bad fashion choices.
• Be fair. Treat boys and girls the same. Let them have the same toys, the same freedoms and the same responsibilities
• Have zero tolerance for bad language and violence
• Talk to them. Always.
• Know who their friends are, what their favourite book, movie, teacher and subject is. Ask to see their snapchat stories…or whatever the latest thing is.
• Try not to invade their privacy by going through pockets, drawers, phones, diaries (have done it all…bad idea).
• Do not criticise looks and physical appearance.
• Do not nag. If she’s not going to sit straight then she’s not going to sit straight. And if he is going to smoke, tell him a 1000 times. Only. Then stop.
• Let them know they are more than their grades. This goes both for the over-achievers and the strugglers. High grades do not make them better than others and low grades do not make them any less. There is more to life than grades.
• Do not ask them to come up to your expectations, fulfill your dreams, or do what you could not do. Let them be their own persons.
• Love them unconditionally. The brats.
• Tell them that failure is ok.
• Tell them their only competition is with themselves. They just need to be the best versions of themselves.
• Patience and acceptance. Gold.
• Resist giving them unrestricted access to gadgets for as long as possible. This will only work if other options are more attractive. (So much easier said than done).
• Educate and inform about cyber security. Gosh, this is a serious one.
• Accept when they are smarter than you. Hand over your gadgets.
• Be humble. Let them be your teachers.
• Keep up with the slang. When you overhear them talking about the rents, do not suspect they are making monthly incomes from hidden properties. They are talking about you. Lmao.
• Respect them and their choices.
• Have a life of your own. Don’t become emotional baggage.
• Teach them to be kind and brave.

If you can do a half decent job, you’ll probably get more joy from them than heartache, and if you’re very lucky, you’ll get good nursing care when the end comes. I would call that successful parenting.