Most child abuse is below the legal or forensic threshold and goes unnoticed. While in the recent past child sexual abuse has been addressed from various perspectives, this article aims to elaborate on the patterns of abuse that children may be subjected to and the factors that keep it from being known or recognised.

The following is based on children’s experiences, as narrated by them or their confidants during counselling sessions. The focus of this are children below the age of 12 years, however, this may also be relevant for children beyond this age. Although all of the children whose accounts this is based on were from Lahore, the social dynamics might be relevant for children living in other parts in Pakistan. Child abuse is gender-neutral and the pronoun ‘they/them’ is used to clarify this fact.

Two questions any guardian asks post-facto are (1) why didn’t the child tell us? (2) How come we never knew? These two questions are linked and there are a number of reasons behind children not telling and the adults not knowing, all of which together contribute towards abuse being systematic and hidden.

A major reason for children’s inability to tell adults is that they neither entirely comprehend the act nor have the words to define it. Children’s vocabulary is limited and they learn language through dialogue. In the absence of a conversation about what counts as abuse, there is not much a child can do to talk about it if it happens.

Sometimes a child’s complaint about a close relative or older cousin, made with limited vocabulary, is heard by parents or guardians and an interrogation is conducted. In many cases parents or significant adults asks about the details and if the child cannot corroborate with evidence, the complaints are dismissed in a way that make the child feel that they have been treated as a liar. It so happens that the abuse can get more intense after that first incidence, which is often meant to test the waters. Since the child was unable to explain it the first time, and was shamed into not having anything to add, they are afraid of taking their concerns to the same or another adult later. Therefore, the limited vocabulary, lack of comprehensible details and loss of trust in the eyes of the adults stops children from saying it a second time.

The second problem with the child’s inability to communicate is not the use of the same word for different occurrences, thereby coming across as miscommunication from the adults’ perspective. When asked about experiences of staying over at some relative’s place or any unsupervised activity, children might respond by saying “I don’t know, I was asleep” or “I didn’t do anything interesting or fun”. While that may be true, it isn’t always the case.

Children can tend to think in terms of generalisations; all good or all bad. Therefore, if an adult is a close, loving family member when in full view of others but is an abuser when alone with the child, the said child will not acknowledge the existence of the opposite reality. Furthermore, such predators ensure that they invoke fear in the child privately but would be very affectionate towards the child when the parents are around, and any resistance to such affection on the child’s part would be a source of mild jokes and smiles.

Other than children’s vocabulary and comprehension, the reasons behind silence are social in nature and are not directly related to the child. These include the quality of the parents’ marriage, the child’s birth order, in cases of joint family living arrangements – the status of the father, the close-knit nature of extended family and exposure to inappropriate content. If a child is the only reason for the marriage being intact, the chances of neglect towards the child are high. The child is not a source of joy but resentment and a burden that does not allow escaping a ruined relationship. Though children may not know why they are neglected, they are very aware of the absence of love and caring.

Moreover, abuse can also be in the form of lewd talk, watching pornographic content and performing or receiving sexual favours; children receive ‘affection’ and ‘approval’ in exchange that they are not receiving from their parents. Children from unhappy homes crave love and laughter, the chances of them being victims of abuse are in part due to the quality of their parents’ marriage and the lack of love that comes with it.

Another way in which parent’s marriage plays a role in a child’s experience of abuse is the us-vs-them rhetoric in some homes. Either the father is very attached to his side of the family and finds fault with the relatives on the mother’s side or vice versa. In either case, the children have less space to communicate with either parent about an abusive relative. First, they are aware of the arguments that their parents indulge in about their sides of the family and do not want to exacerbate a problem by picking a side.

Children’s birth order can also play a role in how much and what they communicate. Usually, firstborn children are closer to parents in a way that other children are not. They are the ones parents ‘talk to’ the most in early years, they are asked about their experiences of things and places, and their long sentences are listened to. This changes for children who are born later, there is less time to spare to listen to them and the uniqueness that parents feel about sending a child to school or taking them to the park etc has withered away. Moreover, if the difference in ages is more than three years, the child is not last-born and there are more than two children, the possibility of low parent-child communication increases.

A major reason for children’s inability to tell adults is that they neither entirely comprehend the act nor have the words to define it. Children’s vocabulary is limited and they learn language through dialogue 

In a joint-family living arrangement, the father’s place in the unstated hierarchy plays a very significant role. In a majority of Pakistani families there is an older brother whom nobody can challenge. The children of the said older brother are similarly important. If the hierarchy is not based on age, then it is based on financial contribution. The brother who pays the larger chuck of the expenses in such a living arrangement is more valued, in general, he and his family have relatively more respect. The problem with this hierarchical arrangement is that the power one member and his progeny have over everybody else makes children all the more vulnerable. Children of the father who is not the highest tier of this hierarchy are forced into silence by those of the ones at the top.

Lastly, a factor that affects children’s communication and comprehension of abuse is the exposure to movies that trivialise harassment or objectify the human body.

It is a faulty expectation from children to understand that the movie involved adults and not minors or to separate reality from movies. The unfortunate problem with children watching these movies, or seeing their parents watching and enjoying the same is, that they cannot comprehend the severity of being victims of similar instances in real life. Often children are told lewd jokes by older cousins, drivers, uncles etc; they are shown inappropriate suggestive content; they resist uninvited overtures by otherwise gallant significant adults. This problem is compounded by the awareness that their parents were completely fine watching it, so the simple conclusion a child makes is that similar instances are not to be disapproved of.

Nevertheless, child abuse can be prevented and recognised if a child’s immediate community lives up to the expectation a child’s vulnerability entrusts them with.

For Parents: Please ensure you talk to your children. This does not mean asking questions, but listening to the seemingly mundane things children have to say. If children trust their parents and are communicative they will indicate problems they face which they can’t fully describe. For most adults, seeing is believing; however, for subtle forms of abuse evidence can never be found. In any dealing with children, be empathetic. No extended family or relative is more reliable than your own child; and always remember that children cannot explain everything and their answers to direct questions tend to change based on the reaction of the adult asking.

Ideally, do not sacrifice your children at the altar of a bad marriage. However, if you are an aunt or grandmother to a child whose parents are going through rough times, take charge and be the confidant the child needs. An older sibling cannot be the chaperone of a younger sibling.

For Schools: For an increasing number of children a school is the only safe place. Children who are being systematically abused at home find in school an escape from things incomprehensible. Schools can do more than just train children in personal safety. They can create a safe space where children can unwind. There needs to be a permanent school counsellor/therapist in every school. Access to an adult who is not involved in children’s academic or extra-curricular school activities is important. While such a person should not be involved in a child’s school-based learning, the physical space for the person on this position should also be separate.

Unstructured activities allow children much needed space for dialogue that can be useful to detect abuse. This is most likely to be the case for unstructured play during games period and recess; listening to children’s conversation with their peers is key. In some schools, children are discouraged from speaking their native language (Urdu) during school hours, including recess. Such a policy may have its uses, but it hinders communication among peers, listening to which is important for teachers to be able to help them.

The writer studied Psychology and Education. She can be reached at irumaqbool@gmail.com