Dead Goats Society

March 29, 2020

Friends, Punjabis, Countrymen,

Lend me your ears. I have heard that Corona bites. I have been bitten many times, not every time on the earlobes, therefore I am a bit shy. In fact, I am so shy, that my pet pigeon is a Bill Gates by comparison, even though it closes its eyes when it sees a cat approaching.

I am not sure, what Murad Sahib was up to. How can he shut down the country all by himself, because of a mere virus? After all we are the seventh nuclear nation in the world and can wipe out all the enemies of Islam, by pushing a button, by closing the benami accounts and by arresting these pesky journalists who ask too many questions. In the meanwhile, we must join the national mainstream, accept the national narrative, go to Pak Pattan and be on the same page as the state institutions.

For those who refuse to be on the same page, I have only one message: we shall make you listen to the patriotic anthem by the Sensitive Productions Ltd, till you sign on the same page and sing it with vigour and verve. After all, we have written it for you with great diligence and creative genius. No man, jinn or virus stands a chance in face of this song.

I am personally against viruses and those who spread viruses. Under the guidance of the Prime Minister, I have personally killed many dengue mosquitos. But I think this virus is misguided and we need to talk to it. We should never have involved ourselves in other nations’ viruses. If we talk to this virus and demonstrate our sincerity, there is no reason that we won’t succeed. If on the other hand, we fail, we will have isolated the virus. At that time, we should go after it with full national resolve, in the spirit of 1965, provided we are still alive.

We are not only a nuclear power, we also have Bari Begum Sahiba; who, in addition to being a virologist is also a specialist in jinns, goats, lentils and chief ministers. She is the one, in séance with Mystic Meg, Sylvia Browne and WHO, leading our war on the virus and on the irresponsible electronic media. Under her leadership, we shall all go to Raiwind, have a gathering of three million people, say a collective prayer and blow the virus out of the sky. It will head back to Taftan via DG Khan and Dr Mirza will head back to Geneva via Wuhan, by the grace of God.

I have to say to those who clamour about initiative, that I own a lot of goats, who have a lot of initiative, in comparison, even though they are dead. With the help of Allah (SWT), America (USA) and China (PRC), we shall defeat the virus and bring tabdeeli.

Yours Truly, Waseem Akram+

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Dead Goats Society