Pulp Fiction

March 22, 2020

For the Love of Paradise

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, kangaroos, wallabies, opossums, koalas and all the pouched animals, from home and abroad, welcome to the International Jurists’ Conference in the Islamabad Zoo. Dear audience, this is the biggest gathering of marsupials since the first time they thrived on the planet, 65 million years ago. When, after careful co-ordination on WhatsApp, an asteroid struck and eliminated all dinosaurs, including Rana Sanaullah, because he would not trim his moustache and would not vote for the extension of sensitive posts.

We are grateful to Qantas, for bringing all the delegates to this auspicious zoo, in spite of threats of viruses like Corona and reptiles like KRQ. This will go a long way in promoting the soft image of Pakistan and the image of its ministers soft in the head, such as Yours Truly.

You will all know that Pakistan has taken great strides in appointing highly qualified marsupials to the assorted courts in the land. I must point out that the NAB is totally independent and is headed by a very competent and unbiased authority, appointed by consensus and performing to the highest standards, as reported by the spouses of those under trial.

I should also make it clear that what the esteemed kangaroos get up to in their spare time is not the business of the zoo, or indeed of the state, or of the asylum. Our government is very cognisant of the fact that asylum has been taken over by its inmates. Our brave and sensitive forces, will soon, inshallah, liberate it, as they have liberated the FATA and merge it with the national health system.

Dear guests,

It is well known, the MSR was involved in trade of rare animal species, including the missing birds of Balochistan who have become extinct, the Siberian Crane, the last member of which was eaten by him in 1986, the RTS, which broke down on the election night and the cable operators whom he regularly eats for breakfast. He is deliberately, wilfully and in defiance of the law of the land, undermining the Kangaroo Court System, which our government had so painstakingly established so that we can build the State of Madina, run by Waseem Akram Plus, rich in resources and high in platelets.

The ideology of Pakistan clearly demands that its Real Estate is owned by those who have means to protect it. We have, therefore, developed Defence Housing Associations, where the citizens can live in peace and tranquillity and not exposed to dangers, such as cable news channels, and perils such as The News and Dawn. The only allotment will be on the border, of not more than a hundred acres at a time, to the heads of the state institutions, before they go forth and serve the Ummah, when threatened by Iran.

In the end, I would request all delegates to stand on their hind legs, balance a glass of Rooh Afza on their heads and dance to the tune of ‘Tabdeeli eye ray’. The one who wins the contest will be kissed from head to toe.

By the grace of God, the image of Pakistan is now soft as pulp.

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Pulp Fiction