The Charge of the Light Mutawa

February 16, 2020

The letter from Brother Abdullah

Dear Brother Al-Noon,

We were handed your worthy epistle by the saintly hands of our Bhabi who has also said amen to the summons of the courier of fate. We must submit that she looks askance at our retinue of seventy-two virgins. We think she has been misled by the likes of Asma Jahangir and Madiha Gauhar. May Allah keep her on the right path. May Allah protect us from Liberalism, Fascism, Zionism and Iran.

We hope that the Caliphate is tip top in the worthy borough of Park Lane and Al-Haj Al-Bo wal-Jo is paying obeisance to the court of Islam by kissing your signet ring. May Allah SWT protect him from bank robbers dressed as letter boxes and letter boxes dressed as Michael Gove.


It is sinful for the Aal-e-Imran to go to East Asia and give a sermon on Islamophobia. We are minded to give the Mutawa, an order to apply light baton charge for exposing their ankles in public and for exposing the Kingdom to ridicule in public. We must draw a line in the sand. If we withdrew our carbon fuels, they would not be able to go to Lyallpur, let alone Kuala Lumpur.

If they are so keen, they should come for a luxury Umra, stay in the Hilton Sharif of Harem Al-Sharif, with an in-house swimming pool and a modern gym where they can lose their calories as they gain in the estimation of Allah and in the FTSE index. Later, after relaxing in the holy jacuzzi, receiving aroma therapy and a lesson in Zen meditation, they can take a safari to Medina. This is the only way, apart from going to Paris Disney, for a miskeen prime minister to collect sawab, deferred payments and free air miles. May Allah show him the right path.

Brother Ehsan Ullah has been very creative in giving a slip to the Minders. Before that, he was very procreative, with a view to populating the penitent, de-radicalised, re-educated, moderate and enlightened Ummah whose leaders have failed to educate the West. Sister Asma says, they have failed to educate themselves. She is always causing trouble. I must speak to the Higher Authorities.

This did remind me of Brother Rashid Rauf going AWOL a few years ago. Whilst enjoying the Institutional hospitality, he said he was pining for a McDonalds. He was driven to his local where he ordered a Big Mac, with extra fries, followed by a strawberry milkshake. After a perfunctory Alhmadulilah, he excused himself for the Zuhr, (more sawab with jama’a), and did not come back. The escort did not realise that he had other engagements in his diary, which they were not privy to.

Dear Brother, time and tide wait for no one. The Afridi ground network and the Predator UAVs don’t either. We hope it ends well.

Every day in every way, the Minders are getting better and better.

Your Brother in Faith,

ABA Al-Aziz

Jalalatul Mulk

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Satire on tabdeeli: The Charge of the Light Mutawa