The Caliphate of Park Lane

February 9, 2020

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Dear Brother Abdullah,

A thousand salutations from the heart of the Ummah and the seat of the Caliphate, the Metropolis of London. I am writing to you from the blessed holy quarters of Park Lane, which are the citadel of Islam, and the fountainhead of Da’wah, safe from the evil eye of the Elders of Zion and the Handlers of NAB. As you know, Ya-Akhi, this sanctum scantorum was bought with the rightfully earned money by Abbaji, laundered to the highest standards, prescribed by the noble Sharia, in the Holy City of Ilford, by Aal e Qazi, so that it can be safe from the grabbing hands of Aal e Imran.

Jalalat ul Mulk,

Since you have shed the mortal dishdasha and departed for your heavenly abode, a lot has happened in the Republic and in the Kingdom. Your Brother had to move the seat of Caliphate from Islamabad to Kot Lakhpat, Jati Umra and thence to Park Lane. The minions of the state and the platelets of Yours Truly are poised to destroy the system. Your Majesty, we must give them no quarter.

You must have heard that Brother Khashoqji was drawn and quartered by the gentle Mukhabirat, to advance the cause of the Ummah and his earthly remains recycled, in a humane and hygienic way. This is the fate of those who commit high treason. Brother Seth has suggested the same recipe for Brother Tinpot. But he is sitting pretty, with a smile on his face and a pulse oximeter on his finger, right there in the Holy Peninsula. Your Brother does not understand the ways of the Providence.

The young MBS has the makings of a great world leader. By the grace of God, he has introduced female wrestling and women’s driving in the Kingdom. May Allah protect the ovaries of the faithful and the fecundity of the Ummah. Allow me to say Your Majesty, that while the Holy Dollars fill the coffers of the Masakeen State Bank, the Republic can teach the Kingdom a thing or two, in re-cycling technology. So that the foibles of the paparazzi in Istanbul and the shenanigans of Brother Mengal in Islamabad can be defeated; and virtue and devotion to the faith can prevail.

Since Your Brother overcame the Exit Control List and won a famous victory for the Faith, the Caliphate of England has exited the clutches of Europe. As Emir Al-Farage said in his rousing speech we now have the control of our borders and no longer follow the European Court of Justice. He must come to the Republic, where we don’t follow any worldly courts, only the Commander of the Faithful and believe in nothing except the Day of Judgement.

I am having sleepless nights since I have heard that Brother Shabbar has gone on leave. Some say that he has got the flu. Some say it is the Corona Virus. Actually, Your Majesty, it is the Coronation Virus which is indestructible. The Coronation has already taken place and is irreversible, for the next three years.

May Allah SWT lower his cholesterol and raise his revenue.

Yours truly,



Park Lane,


The Caliphate of Park Lane