Martial law again

Sheikh Rashid

"I have kissed Nawaz Sharif on the cheek when I was in the PML-N, Chaudhry Shujaat when I was with PML-Q and Imran Khan as I support him now. They don’t call me the Emraan Hashmi of politics for nothing.

However, because I have cycled through so many parties -- I am also known as the Lance Armstrong of political partying -- that it seems my best bet for 2016 is a continued call for Martial Law. There I can kiss the cheeks of anyone that needs pampering so I can be appointed a position.

I will continue in 2016 to appear frequently on television; after all I have been a federal minister for labour and manpower, federal minister for information and broadcasting, federal minister for industries, federal minister for sports & culture, federal minister for tourism and federal minister for railways. The media needs my expertise, as you can see all the ministries under my leadership continue to do well because of my visionary tenures.

If I fail in my quest for Martial Law this coming year, 2017 will see the opening of Sheeda Balti Chicken House in Lal Haveli. It will be the Cooco’s Den of Pindi I tell you."

The dupatta is here to stay

Reham Khan

"It’s been a whirlwind year, proving once again that change is the only constant. But my biggest strength is my ability to have courage in the face of adversity and make lemonade from lemons. Hence my new year resolutions:

I shall write a book called My Urbane Lord. It will be published by Najam Sethi.

I will not be dismissed as another pretty tv anchor. My Unique Selling Point remains that I was once the bhabi of the nation. Having successfully appropriated the "tabdeeli" slogan, I shall initiate proceedings to copyright it. If IK/PTI contest my claim in court, all the better: the free coverage will boost ratings for my show.

To remind everyone of my claim to fame, I shall wear the PTI colours on air on key dates. And, of course, the dupatta is here to stay.

The first political marriage is only ever training for a second. This time, I want a larger political party with real prospects of electoral victory; opposition party leaders make for insecure and paranoid husbands. Formerly good-looking and (even moderately) charismatic politicians are very high maintenance; short, balding and unassuming make better husbands. Note to self: if a man over 60 agrees to pose for portraits in a golden sherwani, run!"

Read also: New year resolutions of Jibran Nasir, Asif Ali Zardari, Shahid Afridi, and Chaudhry Nisar

A cure for insomnia

Misbah-ul-Haq

"2016 is a really critical year for me because I am going to be announcing my retirement. The question now is to figure out what career to really pursue.

One option is to follow all the greats of Pakistan cricket onto the set of a certain cricket show with Mr. Bean. But I have a strange feeling they will keep me on the sidelines for ten years, despite my solid performances on the domestic scene for Khyber TV, and only give me screen time for the Zimbabwe series. I don’t think I can handle that type of rejection again.

I think I might follow in the footsteps of another great cricketer from Mianwali, not into politics, but into health charity. I’ve been told insomnia is a big problem in the youth these days. I went to a DVD shop in Fortress Stadium, after my photo-shoot for Ehsan Chapal Store.

They are currently making a DVD with a collection of all my interviews, which I will be donating to sleeping clinics to cure insomnia. Wasim bhai suggested I give them to a few drug rehabilitation centres, too."

Look for people my age

Qaim Ali Shah

"After serving my province endlessly for decades, I want to take a break this year and go abroad. You would have seen me sleeping during meetings. This is not the case. I work late into the night and sometimes get sleepy in the morning.

Coming back to my travel plans, I would most likely go to Japan to find some people my age. Here in Sindh, I feel lonely and miss generations that are resting in peace while I have stuck my ground. When back, I would work hard to gain a third term in a row.

Last year, my hands were kept tied and opened only for a brief moment to sign the document regarding extension of Rangers’ stay in Sindh. This year, I will resist such cruelties and request them to keep my hands untied at the least. One may have an itchy feeling at any point in time and want to scratch one’s back."

Disclaimer

These are mock New Year Resolutions of some faces that we in this country are all too familiar with. These have been written in jest and should be read in the same good-humoured spirit. Contributed by Fasi Zaka, Sanaa Ahmed, Kamil Chima, Shahzada Irfan Ahmed, Naila Inayat, Saadia Salahuddin, Mazhar Jadoon, and Farah Zia