On the same page

Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif

"For all those who think otherwise, I have learnt my lessons. I will not let them make an example out of me like last time.

For 2016, again, I resolve to be on the same page as them: they do foreign policy (that saves me the arduous task of finding a foreign minister) and we do economy and business; they do security, terrorism, and law and order while we make roads and mass transit systems, etc. (My God, the mere thought of Lahore-Islamabad Motorway gives me goosebumps!).

See how I brought them closer to my own position on India; except, for them, that country still remains the enemy (The realist in me is convinced 2016 won’t be any different).

Actually, while we were busy putting the country on the ‘road’ to progress, something else became more important for the world viz. foreign investments, trade and economic ties, energy and economic corridors and ports. Somehow, the new alliances work best for the civil-military relations in this country (since both sides get to benefit equally from them).

In 2015, I tried to make everyone believe we were in charge whether it was Operation Zarb-e-Azb or National Action Plan or military courts or Rangers in Sindh, or CPEC. Somehow, the thankless nation started thanking another gentleman with whom I share a surname. But just as 2015 destroyed my political nemesis, aka Dhandli Khan, 2016 will be the year of the new hashtag #thankyouNawazSharif.

If nothing works, I will get my cadre of loyal bureaucrats to push for it. And by God, they will!"

Concrete resolutions and a selfie pout

Asim Bajwa

"2015 was the year the social media revolution properly came to the ISPR -- we Facebooked, live tweeted and won the hearts and minds of millions of Pakistanis. Even the pesky reporters who used to harass us for comments learned to wait for the tweets.

The most significant achievement of the year, however, was the strategic shift in our narrative on militancy, as reflected in the ISPR songs released in the wake of the Army Public School attacks. But to consolidate these gains in 2016 and to maximise the potential of the social media, we need to implement several concrete resolutions:

The ISPR staff will learn to be cool and stop tweeting like they are writing tickers for PTV World.

The ISPR staff will also learn to use Twitter like everyone else and not use tweets like live ammo being fired into the void.

The days of staged shots are gone; everyone will learn to take selfies. The COAS, additionally, will also need to be taught the selfie pout.

From identifying militants as enemies (Bara dushman banna phirta hai), we’ve made the shift to a policy of reconciliation (Mujhe dushman ke bachon ko parhana hai). To justify an aggressive stance against militancy and extremism, we need to convince and engage the civilians. We will do this by crowd-sourcing the lyrics to a bigger, better anti-militancy song."

Read also: New year resolutions of Imran Khan, Zubaida Apa, Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain and Shahbaz Sharif

Return to Pakistan

Altaf Hussain

"Barrrrr -- silence -- Hummmm (another long spell of silence.) I have tried for years to bring peace to Karachi, but political victimisation of my party has thwarted all such efforts. Now I have decided to leave this task to the Rangers.

I will not try to make Karachi ‘peaceful’ in 2016. But then what will I do? First of all, I will return to Pakistan and try to get myself cleared in the money-laundering case and the Imran Farooq murder case.

I have also decided to resign at least a dozen times from the party leadership in 2016 so that people don’t doubt my intentions any more. I am serious this time. I will also consider people’s demand to quit politics altogether and do something else -- like singing. I have a passion for singing and dancing and those close to me know the sea of talent I possess. After all, after the death of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan there is no classical singer worth the name in the country."

Convert all the farmland into real estate

Malik Riaz

"I will ask the Bahria team to prepare a list of farmlands around big cities. I will visit them and assess which ones we can use for productive purposes. At the moment, they are under-utilised and used only for producing vegetables which have low nutritional value. There are many small villages in the Punjab as well -- potential real estate. There is so much on my plate -- so much land to cover.

In 2016, I hope to convert all farmland into real estate. People need housing units more than anything else. For vegetables, they can depend on food marts.

The Bahria team will offer people better schemes -- more luxurious apartments in the coming year. We are going ahead smoothly -- building a state of the art new city and will achieve our goal, Insha Allah.

Someone tweeted two months back, "Malik Riaz should be the man to look after disasters as everyone is snoring away." Well, that was flattering but disasters are too many.

There will be more Bahria Dastarkhwans. People want low-cost good housing schemes as well, I understand, so someday soon!

Beware all of you, I will not get blackmailed by anybody anymore. The days are gone when the likes of Arsalan Iftikhar could use me as an ATM. I will create more employment opportunity next year and the biggest chunk will go to retired army officers."

Disclaimer

These are mock New Year Resolutions of some faces that we in this country are all too familiar with. We associate with them in many different ways. They could be politicians or sportsmen or tv anchors or public intellectuals or just famous tv personalities. We got a pool of writers to pick their favourite personalities from a rather subjective list and write a New Year resolution on their behalf. These have been written in jest and should be read in the same good-humoured spirit.

Contributed by Fasi Zaka, Sanaa Ahmed, Kamil Chima, Shahzada Irfan Ahmed, Naila Inayat, Saadia Salahuddin, Mazhar Jadoon, and Farah Zia