All those worthy causes

Jibran Nasir

"2015 has been an extremely humbling experience. I’ve been repeatedly humbled by invitations to speak at talk shows, debating championships, graduation ceremonies, festivals and in 10-person meeting rooms. (To expound on issues not raised in any of the above forums, I humbly prepared lengthy videos of myself, which I posted on Facebook.) I was further humbled by every like, share, and retweet.

But the many hours spent waiting in Green Rooms everywhere triggered the epiphany that my political agenda lacks diversity. So far, I’ve only managed to focus on extremism, blasphemy laws, the cyber crime bill, minorities, rape, gender inequality, misogyny in ads, patriarchy, child abuse, slavery, street children, education, LG polls, the plight of cancer patients, and Pashtun music. So much has slipped through the cracks!

In 2016, I will take up other, equally worthy causes: LGBTQ rights; blatant plagiarism by Pakistani lawn designers, the lack of public toilets, body shame issues, anti-feminist narratives in matrimonial ads, the cost of medicines and sanitary napkins, and the absence of world-class baseball stadiums in Pakistan.

By lending my voice to the dispossessed and disenfranchised, I hope to lessen the shame we feel as righteous Muslims when confronted with the problems of the world. Our Prophet of Islam would expect no less."

New ideas, fresh thinking

Asif Ali Zardari

"In 2016, I will show my commitment to governance in Sindh and improve law and order. I will get a vastly better force than the prejudiced Pakistan Rangers, the legendary Mighty Morphin Power Rangers to improve security -- all five of those teenagers will be deployed. Bilawal will be allowed to wear the costume but not fight. Their first priority, based on overwhelming public demand, will be to rescue the fair damsel in distress, Dr Asim.

I will create a new policy thinktank to infuse new ideas and fresh thinking into the PPP. Rehman Malik and Qaim Ali Shah will spearhead this effort. We will also be putting in a lot of effort to train and groom Bilawal so he does not have independent thoughts. This will make him the visionary leader Pakistan needs.

Furthermore, politics is the art of the possible. In 2016, I shall do my best to create a new alliance with the PTI, since we now have common interests. Imran Khan may have some ideas on how to control Dr Tanvir Zamani based on his experience."

Read also: New year resolutions o f Nawaz Sharif, Asim Bajwa, Altaf Hussain, and Malik Riaz

And my real age is…

 Shahid Afridi

"I’ve realised that the jokes about my age have actually become older than me. Now even my 14-year-old daughter thinks I’m younger than her. I can’t take this anymore. I have nothing to hide. I’m not a Meera or a Simi Garewal.

So, ladies and gents, boys and girls, year 2016 will be the year when I’ll reveal my actual age.

Before announcing my hundred thousandth retirement, I would want to win the 2016 World Cup for my nation. Imagine the teenage Afridi lifting the T20 World Cup in India… ah! What a sinful thought, winning in front of the Indian crowds with not so bade dil. But if I fail to do that, I request Pakistan Cricket Board to please give me another chance because youngsters like me need chances.

Having said that, I’m ready to give that ‘chance’ to Ahmed Shehzad. Together we will participate in Nach Baliye 8 and this time I want to see my ‘baliye’ dance. If our dances are choreographed by our bhabi, Sania Mirza, then there is no reason why we won’t win the competition. Inshallah we will win, we have the talent and the right moves."

The fight will continue

Chaudhry Nisar

"This whole year I was revengeful, I know. Be assured this streak will continue throughout the next year. To start with, you see the people who called me "Mr Bean" have "been" in deep waters because they spilled the "bean," rather "beans." I simply cursed them and their life became hell.

Foreign countries deport our people so I deported the former Australian cricketer, Dean Jones, in retaliation.

I hate the very sight of NGOs and the money coming to our country. My fight against them will continue as they are the cause of all ills, including espionage and terrorism. I will keep fining international airlines bringing Pakistani deportees back so that one day none of these is willing to come here. I will keep working wholeheartedly to implement the National Action Plan, building on my earlier success in Karachi."

Disclaimer

These are mock New Year Resolutions of some faces that we in this country are all too familiar with. These have been written in jest and should be read in the same good-humoured spirit. Contributed by Fasi Zaka, Sanaa Ahmed, Kamil Chima, Shahzada Irfan Ahmed, Naila Inayat, Saadia Salahuddin, Mazhar Jadoon, and Farah Zia