Single and ready to mingle

Imran Khan

"I promise to win the 2013 elections next year. Also, to win the 2018 elections we plan to give one billion trees in KP Nadra ID Cards. I plan to petition the Supreme Court to change the mandate of the ECP to officially become the Electoral Contraceptive of Pakistan because it keeps me from reaching my goal.

Furthermore, as I mentioned in India, stopping cricket is not the solution to ending terrorism. Opening an office for the Taliban in KP is. Second, because of the record number of moral victories I have won in elections that the PTI keeps losing, we plan to petition the Vatican to make me the next Pope.

In 2016, I would like to change the way parliament holds its sessions. Right now the system is undemocratic -- other parties in session do not treat me like my fans and media sycophants do. This needs to change if Pakistan is to progress. Furthermore, I would like to reform the judicial system so that proof is no longer required, any man with an allegation should be able to win.

And as always, I am anti-status quo -- which if you are asking, is currently single and ready to mingle."

A totka for new year

Zubaida Apa

"It’s been one hell of a ride and I have enjoyed every minute of it. Imagine becoming more popular than all the talented siblings for this little gift of home remedies (don’t know how I landed ‘there’ when my claim to fame ought to have been cooking alone).

To my credit, I knew it from the word go on how to package myself. To coordinate the saris and the bangles and other items of jewellery is no mean task I tell you.

Today, all men and women my age get jealous because the minute they switch off their televisions sets, there I am on the billboards. To turn old age into a career, that’s me.

Honestly, I blush when they call me a "late bloomer".

2015 showed no decline in my popularity and I’m glad there was no controversy like last year when I was persistently blamed for endorsing a whitening soap. I don’t really know what the fuss was all about. I was seriously hoping to branch out to another field thenceforth and host tv shows with skin whitening hints. What a hypocritical nation I must say!

In October this year, I suffered from dengue fever but with my fans’ prayers and some of my own totkas I fought back to life.

In 2016, I am hoping to start a chain of my restaurant in all major cities of the country and bring my son to co-host the cookery shows with me.

I’ve been told there might be a Booker entry for my latest cook book. Keeping fingers crossed!"

Read also: New year resolutions of Zaid Hamid, Hamza Ali Abbasi, Bilal Lashari and Ishaq Dar

Welder of hearts

Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain

"Oh chhaddo, mitti shitti pao…koi hor gal sunao….te roti shoti khaa ke jaana."

I love you all and I really mean it.

People say a lot of things about me but I don’t mind. They call me a welder who uses dark sun glasses even while indoors. I am a welder of sorts but I weld hearts together and not iron structures. It’s another thing that my efforts do not pay off often and things get worse.

For example, talks with Akbar Bugti and Ghazi Abdur Rasheed were going well but the moment I entered the scene things worsened and ended in a disaster.

I was beaten black and blue by some village people who thought I was casting a magic spell on them but in fact I was talking to someone on the phone and using a hands-free device.

The speech therapist who I had hired this year has started talking like me."

 A road to the moon

Shahbaz Sharif

"I will declare 2016 a ‘Year of Roads’. I will put the nation on the ‘road’ to progress and build a road, a bridge, and an underpass here and there and will take this ‘road’ to people’s doorsteps. I often dream of a road that takes me to the moon. I have resolved that in 2016, I will build a road to the moon. I think a wide road is a solution to all the problems the humanity is facing.

My critics say I don’t care about education and health. They are wrong. My children are studying in the most expensive institutions of the world and I take special care when it comes to my health or that of my family members. I regularly go to England for medical checkups. That speaks for how health conscious I am. And for the poor people, my government will definitely build more public hospitals and schools once we are done with the roads.

Another good news for the people! Keeping in mind my stylish pictures that regularly appear in newspapers and costly advertisements, I am rethinking my marriage prospects in 2016. I really look dashing in colourful pictures where I hold my chin with the right hand. I will try some new poses in 2016."

Disclaimer

These are mock New Year Resolutions of some faces that we in this country are all too familiar with. These have been written in jest and should be read in the same good-humoured spirit. Contributed by Fasi Zaka, Sanaa Ahmed, Kamil Chima, Shahzada Irfan Ahmed, Naila Inayat, Saadia Salahuddin, Mazhar Jadoon, and Farah Zia