If I had a penny for every time I said “That’s the one,” I’d probably be retired, sitting on a beach somewhere, sipping iced coffee.

It is strange, isn’t it? This is one certainty that feels so real... until it turns into another lesson in disguise. Every time I thought I had found the one, life would gently (sometimes brutally) pull that person away, reminding me that I needed to find myself first.

Not gonna lie, I’ve had a fair share of such moments — enough for my friends to be ‘certain’ after a breakup that the next ‘one’ is just round the corner.

A friend once called me a serial dater — a little dramatic, if you ask me. But it wasn’t about frequency; it was about depth. The connections were real. The lessons? Even more so.

Jokes apart, it’s not like I’ve been collecting Pokémon (as I’ve been accused of), I’ve just been going through my life lessons (wish there were a university course for this instead. Every time I loved and lost, I told myself I didn’t regret it — because I had always followed my heart. Now I see it differently. I don’t regret it because those heartbreaks were stepping stones towards self-awareness. They showed me what love should feel like… and more importantly, what it shouldn’t.

I’ve felt enough butterflies to start my own migration pattern. But every flutter taught me something. Every intense, stomach-flipping, can’t-eat-can’t-sleep kind of situation eventually taught me that love shouldn’t feel like chaos. It should feel like calm.

I used to believe the strength of my feelings was enough to carry a relationship. That if I felt love deeply enough, it would all work out. But love isn’t a solo mission. It’s not just about how you feel about them — it’s also about how they make you feel in your own skin.

Anyone can be sweet during the golden hour and cute coffee dates, but it’s in the middle of a disagreement, when you both are hurting and misunderstood, that kindness becomes the glue. 

And here’s something I wish I had figured out earlier: kindness matters; more than charm; more than chemistry; more than butterflies. You need someone who’s kind to you — especially when it’s hard. Anyone can be sweet during the golden hour and cute coffee dates, but it’s in the middle of a disagreement, when you both are hurting and misunderstood that kindness becomes the glue. You see another version of them. Maybe not their ‘true’ self, but a version you’ll meet often in a long-term relationship.

Now, I’m going to say something I hated hearing growing up — but it’s the one thing that changed everything for me: you have to love yourself first. Not in the clichéd, mirror-affirmation kind of way (although, hey, go for it if it helps); but in the deeper, harder way. You have to love yourself enough to say, “I deserve better than anxiety dressed up as passion.” Because whatever standard you silently accept, life will mirror it back to you.

I learnt that the hard way. I kept getting tested — the same lessons, different faces — until I finally chose myself. That’s when things began to shift.

Now, I’m not saying you need to try 10 different relationships to figure this out. Some people already love themselves deeply at 21, and they attract someone just as whole and kind. If that’s you — I’m proud of you. But if you’re still figuring it out, still making the same mistakes with new faces, maybe that’s just what you need.

You’ll know you’ve found the one when you love them for exactly who they are, not for who they could be someday; when you can genuinely admire their strengths, respect their journey and still feel completely safe to bring your own hurt and insecurities to the table. It’s when you stop worrying about measuring up or being too much — because their presence puts you at ease with yourself. That’s when you notice the calm, the peace, the kind of quiet strength in someone who holds your hand, even when everything is stormy. That’s what having ‘the one’ really feels like.

Shaafay Zia is an ex-serviceman and a freelancer. He can be reached at shaafayzia@gmail.com