“Everything depends on upbringing.”

— Leo Tolstoy,

War and Peace.

any years ago, my father and I were talking about something and he mentioned some friends who had visited the day before. After the visit, someone mentioned how well-read, well-spoken and good-natured they were. Another friend, according to Abbu, said, “Of course, they have had a great upbringing.” I don’t remember the people involved in the story, but I do remember vividly Abbu’s face glowing with pride. I was not a parent yet, but he was, and it was obvious that it meant a great deal to him that someone had a good upbringing. Now, as the parent of three young adults, I know well what Abbu’s obvious pleasure in being a good parent was: the satisfaction of knowing that you have imparted a good education but also values, a sense of pride and continuity in your roots and your heritage, respect and compassion for all human beings, tolerance, empathy, kindness, courage and so many more qualities which make us human.

In 2012, the United Nations General Assembly designated June 1 as the Global Day of Parents. Its theme this year is Raising Parents, pointing to something obvious but often overlooked: parenting is a learned skill acquired over time, through error and patience. In countries like Pakistan, undergoing immense social changes, parenting becomes more fraught than ever. Family structures are undergoing some fundamental changes and “joint” families such as the one I grew up in, are becoming rarer. In our household, grandparents were around to counsel, admonish and advise young parents on what to do and what not to do. Other elders chimed in when necessary (and, sometimes, even when not welcome). We had older cousins showing us the ropes on everything, from riding a bicycle to hiding contraband from elders and how to get out of trouble if we got caught. We did not have much to do inside the house so as soon as we came home from school, we threw off our school bags and rushed outside to play with neighbourhood children at all hours until it began to get dark when we came back home tired, resentfully did our homework and went to bed to sleep off the day’s fatigue.

My children, now 24, 21 and almost 19, grew up in the age of the internet and social media and their world is both much larger and much smaller than ours. They are hyperconnected with friends and acquaintances in Lahore and across the world but have no idea who lives in the house next door, nor do they care much. We have had to enforce strict rules on smartphones at mealtimes, sometimes leading to arguments and sulking. And when my younger son faced bullying in school leading to fights and academic problems, we reached out to a psychologist for help.

Of course, it helped that I am a psychiatrist and, incidentally that I work at Lahore’s biggest and busiest public hospital, Mayo hospital, where we run Pakistan’s first accredited child and adolescent mental health training centre, which provides post-graduate training to psychiatrists on child and family mental health. But most parents do not have access to the resources I have. So, what can we do?

In countries like Pakistan, undergoing immense social changes, parenting becomes more fraught than ever.

In a society like Pakistan with multiple stresses on both parents and children, including traditional autocratic parenting styles, huge academic pressures on children (leading to school days stretching from 7:30 am to sometimes 9 pm), the constant threat of cyberbullying and social media pressures and, most of all, lack of resources to address the mental health challenges these problems generate, how can we help parents do better?

In our case, my wife and I agreed early on about our parenting duties. Since she is a home maker, she keeps tabs on our children and their friends, organises their schedules, monitors their grades and so on. This has changed slightly since they grew into their teens and now into adulthood. Our boys were ‘handed over’ to me in their early teens, when their insolence would needle her. Our daughter, now 19, is still very much her ‘project.’ We did not need any formal professional help (for reasons already mentioned) but daily mealtime discussions about how the kids are doing, school and friend issues, their plans for the day etc have been going on between my wife and I for as long as I can remember. We do not always agree on what to do but we agreed early on that we need to present a united front for the kids’ sake. This simple tactic, that both parents must get along is also becoming a challenge in today’s Pakistan as more and more women join the workforce and face increasing pressures from outside the home as well. Two of our kids have managed to excel in school and academic pursuits while one faced some challenges. Pakistan’s fragmented education system, with multiple confusing education pathways, does not help worried parents. Understanding that educational accomplishments have very little correlation with later career success might. Some of the most successful people I know were indifferent students but once they hit their stride, they accomplished much in their lives.

In our hospital, and increasingly all over Lahore and other big cities, professional services are available including parenting classes, trainings for teachers, school mental health programmes and the like. These aim to make it easier for parents to deal with whatever challenges they are facing.

Like many important accomplishments in life, parenting is mostly ‘on the job’ training. If we grew up in an intact family, most of us have the parenting skills we need already ingrained in us. If we did not, help is available. Unless a child faces medical issues or other severe problems, most of us can and will do parenting right. In the end, our children will accomplish what they set their mind to, like we did. Something Abbu said about parenting at some point stuck with me: “Unless you give your life, how can you create another?” It is a lifelong endeavour and must be treated as such.

The writer is a psychiatrist and faculty member at King Edward Medical University. He is the author of Faiz Ahmed Faiz: A Biography, Sang-e Meel Publications, 2022. His X handle: @Ali_Madeeh