Second wives and so on

Dear all,

A BBC colleague, Ather Kazmi, recently did a story on the increasing acceptance of polygamy by the Muslims in Britain. His story provides a fascinating insight into what is now a growing trend -- popular not just with Muslim men but with young Muslim women as well.

A matchmaking website called Second wife dot com, was set up less than two years ago, to cater to just this trend towards polygamy, and its founder told BBC Urdu that a number of young professional women have used this site to become second or even third wives. My colleague also spoke to a number of such women -- many of them divorcees with children and careers but who needed a Muslim spouse -- and they were happy to share their spouse with another wife, because they "did not want a full time husband".

Another matchmaking website called Muslima dot com has a sub-section of profiles of ‘Muslim British Women Who Accept Polygamy Looking For Dating’. So who are these women and why are they ready to be second, third or even fourth wives in a modern western society?

The reason of course is religious convention -- and sexual guilt. The debate around polygamy has been important in the attempt to modernise Muslim societies, and indeed was the topic of heated debate in the Muslim reform movements in the subcontinent in the early twentieth century. This was because polygamy was recognised as a system which devalued and undermined women and which gave men undue control over women in the society. Early attempts to legislate and regulate polygamy in Pakistan were much watered down, but now it seems quite the norm. Nobody appears to even raise an eyebrow when this happens, let alone disapprove of the practice.

In Pakistan, the incidence of ‘high class second wives’ is also pretty disturbing. These are educated women from well-placed families divorced late in life and then become second wives to well-off men. These are women who have the education and connections to secure some sort of employment but who choose to be ‘kept’ women instead. They are invisible as wives but their rent and expenses are paid.

So that’s one group of second wives in Pakistan who find somebody to fund their lifestyles. But what are young Muslim women in Britain looking for when they agree to be in a polygamous relationship? Most of the women who have spoken about this describe it as important that their relationship be sanctioned by their religion. This is understandable but for me the problem is that such a marriage is not sanctioned by the law of the land. Such marriages are not recognised by British law.

Why is this not more of a concern with these women? Is it because they are happy to be in a relationship of a fleeting nature? Do they not realise that however ‘part time’ the Muslim husband, he will at some point attempt to assert his authority?

One woman’s story as a second wife illustrates this well. A divorcee with children and a career, she married a man who was one of the parents at her children’s school. Initially, they had a good relationship after their Nikah but eventually he took on a third wife. Why? Because he tried to become more and more controlling: objecting to her clothes, her job, her lifestyle and (predictably) ordering her to cover her head.

As this trend of Muslim polygamy increases in the UK, concerns about the situation are also being expressed. Two years ago, the peer Baroness Cox attempted to spearhead efforts to curb this on the basis that in practice it was often deeply exploitative of the women, and left them with no legal redress in these unions. Much of the research she cited was compiled by the Muslim women’s right group, Aurat.

At some point, the UK authorities are going to have to not just clarify but also enforce the law as regards Muslim polygamy in Britain. At that point, it will be interesting to see which part of the argument British Muslims weigh in on. Will they regard such regulation as ‘an attack on Islam’ or will they recognise this as a feminist matter, a matter of equal rights?

It will be interesting to see how this pans out…

Best wishes,