I fell in love with my mother’s second cousin when I was in the 7th grade and have deeply loved him since. He is almost 14 years older than me and by profession he is a politician. Having mentioned that, I would like to clarify that he is a very down to earth man and does not fit into the usual politician persona. I have known him my whole life, but haven’t heard one bad thing about him - not even from his opponents. He is an extremely decent man with a flawless character, and everyone in my family accepts that. At first, for about four years, I kept on loving him silently. I thought that it was stupid to think about him as he is way out of my league. But about three years back, I got to know his email address and I emailed him, admitting my love for him. At first he was reluctant to talk to me; he is not that sort of a man who talks to ladies. He is usually very reserved with women. But after the initial hesitation, we became really close and after a year he told me that he loves me, too. We both naturally thought of marriage and true to his promise, he sent his parents over to my place with the proposal. My maternal grandparents and other relatives are in favour of accepting his proposal but the only hurdle is my mother; she is against him because, according to her, he is not good looking enough for me! That is absurd! She is acting in a totally childish and stubborn way and all this is making me crazy. Nadine, I don’t know what to do. My mom says he is too old for me, but I love him and can’t forget him. Also, no one else in the family can help me, as they are all afraid of my mom, even my grandparents. As far as my father is concerned, he is of no help. He is simply not bothered about me and has deserted me. My khala, who is my biggest supporter, asked me to go for court marriage because she says there is no other way. I don’t want to do that, because I feel that is wrong.
Now, my guy has also started becoming frustrated. He said all sorts of hurtful things to me, but I know he loves me and is simply disheartened by the situation. He said he did all he could and from his side there is no problem, so the ball is in my court now. He is right, but what can I do? I don’t want to lose him at any cost. He is all I have. I tried talking to my mother a number of times but she is simply not interested in listening to anything I have to say about this matter. She says it is a matter of ego for her now, and she will never give me permission to marry him. All my relatives have tried to convince her, but to no avail. She has ruined her whole life just because of her arrogance and stubbornness, and I am afraid she will do the same to me now. I feel like killing myself.
Nadine, his parents won’t wait for me forever; they will get him married soon, and this will kill me. What should I do? Please help!
This is one of the situations where you will either have to take a stand, or stand down. The guy is right; he has done what was in his power by sending his proposal, and the ball is now in your court. You are not willing to go for court marriage, but the other option is to accept your mother’s decision and forget him. You say you cannot do either, which leaves only one other option: get your grandparents to support your nikah. If you cannot do this, you will have to forget him. He is a lot older and his parents are sick, so he can’t obviously go on waiting indefinitely, hoping for a miracle. Realistically speaking, he has to start his family, which he will do with or without you. So, if what you said about your mother destroying her own life because of her arrogance and stubbornness is true, you should exercise your right to marry of your own will. You just cannot say ‘I can’t do this’ and expect things to happen. Girl, this is real life and sometimes you have to make tough choices to get what you desire. If you cannot fight for what you want, give in and set that guy free. I repeat, your best bet is to persuade your grandparents. Get them to help you. Best of luck!