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A crowded marriage turns bad

By Lubna Jerar Naqvi
Tue, 04, 17

Divorce is becoming common in Pakistan. And contrary to popular belief, it is miscommunication and interference from outsiders that lead to divorce. You! takes a look...

Divorce is becoming common in Pakistan. And contrary to popular belief, it is miscommunication and interference from outsiders that lead to divorce. You! takes a look...

Azeem was having a troubled marriage. He sought advice from his friend's mother hoping to find a solution but she told him to divorce his wife and 'teach her a lesson'. Azeem liked the advice and felt powerful with his right to divorce and that's exactly what he did. However, after some time he regretted his decision but then it was too late. A crowded marriage turns bad

Fahd and Dua seemed like a fairy tale couple. But their relationship ended in less than five years and the two soon crossed the dreaded line of divorce. Both their families claimed that they tried their best to get the two together, but when it didn't work out they started blaming each other. Fahd and Dua came out of this bitter divorce depressed and angry, changing them as persons forever. Why did such a good couple end up in such a state? Why didn't the marriage last? Who was to blame? Was Dua a bad wife or was Fahd a bad husband?

Similarly, Shahid and Saima were facing a lot of issues in their marriage and things didn't seem to be getting 'fixed'. No matter who intervened, things got worse. Parents and other relatives and friends were also getting ready to pull the plug and send them to a good divorce lawyer.

With divorce looming Shahid was emoting one day at his office during lunch. His friends and colleagues all agreed that divorce was the best thing. However, there was someone who didn't agree. "I think you should try to work things out." Everyone looked at the speaker, who was a middle-aged lady seated on another table in the lunch room. "You should speak to your wife without any interference from others. No family, no friends! This is a matter between you and your wife. No one knows what kind of relationship you two have therefore no one has the right to give advice or suggest anything," she said.

The woman's monologue was met with utter shock, with a couple of voices trying to negate her words. But she continued, "The easiest thing in the world is to break your marriage. Why not try to fix it? People give you all sorts of advises as it won't affect their lives. Have you asked your wife what the problem is? Have you both tried to actually resolve the issues? Don't ask others to become your communicator - talk to each other without anyone in between. There are so many things that are probably blown out of proportion because you two end up in a shouting contest - due to anger or being instigated by others."

Shahid believed he had tried everything to resolve the issues but the challenge in the woman's voice charged him to prove her wrong. Hence, he decided to talk to Saima - alone. And interestingly in less than a year, things changed for better and the couple learnt a very important lesson - never let others interfere in their personal matters.

There is a common saying that when a couple gets married, two families are married. This is true in a close family structure of our society, however sometimes we see marriages becoming so crowded that the married couple is no longer able to communicate with each other without outside interference.

After nine years of marriage and three children, Abeera and her husband, Salman started having problems. They started having arguments on the pettiest things. So Abeera asked her in-laws to intervene but things only seemed to get worse and the two ended up separating. Things got worse with time, and Salman stopped communicating with her completely. Abeera had no idea what had caused this. Later she found out through different people that her husband had been misguided by his own relatives and friends, who were trying to patch things up. The problem could have been resolved had Salman spoken to Abeera directly. This led Abeera and Salman to separate and affected their children more than anyone else.

These are just a few examples that point out the importance of communication between two individuals in a relationship. Families may not do it intentionally but any form of outside interference only makes the situation worse.

Sadly, in our part of the world, there is no concept of seeking therapy or couple counselling, and even if someone wants to seek an expert's help they wouldn't know where to go. If any marriage counselling is done in Pakistan, it is usually done by judges of the Family Court and that too if the wife has filed for 'khula'.

Former Family Court Judge and Advocate Supreme Court Shoaib Ashraf says, "Under Section 10 of Family Courts Act, 1964, it is mandatory that the judge talks to the couple that has come to court in a khula case. During the pre-trial reconciliation proceedings the judge only calls the couple and no one else."

"In my experience when the couple is allowed to speak without any interference, they manage to patch up and the marriage survives. Many times they realize that they have no issues, most of the problems arise because of interference," adds Adv. Shoaib.

Regarding counselling, Kausar Saeed Khan, Women Action Forum, informs, "There are no trained marriage counsellors in Pakistan. Generally, psychologists take up the duty of a marriage counsellor when the affectee goes there for treatment. If the issue seems to lie in the marriage, the psychologist tries to resolve the matter by talking to the couple, provided they are willing."

Generally couples seek outside help or advice in the hope to understand the matter that they themselves are probably too close to see. But often this is the wrong decision mainly because most of the people they turn to don't know how to tackle the issue. Others don't care and say things that only aggravate the situation.

People seldom want to take the effort to find a solution and mend a hurting relationship - probably because it takes less effort and time to break than mend a relationship. Marriages can be saved if those intervening are experts at tackling such delicate matters. Couples facing problems while resolving their issues, should probably seek couple therapy and if possible, from experts like marriage counsellors.

 

All names have been changed to retain privacy Section 10 of Family Courts Act, 1964 Pre-Trial Proceeding:

(1) When the written statement is filed the Court shall fix an early date for a pre-trial hearing of the case.

(2) On the date so fixed, the Court shall examine the plaint, the written statement (if any) and the precis of evidence and documents filed by the parties and shall also, if it so deems fit, hear the parties and their counsel.

(3) At the pre-trial, the Court shall ascertain the points at issue between the parties and attempt to effect a compromise or reconciliation between the parties. If this be possible.

(4) If no compromise or reconciliation is possible the Court shall frame the issues in the case and fix a date for [recording the] evidence.