COMIC RELIEF
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”
For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
“He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself.”
For an employee who is so unproductive:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
“Hello! Gordon’s pizza?”
“No sir it’s Google’s pizza.”
“So it’s a wrong number? Sorry!”
“No sir, Google bought it.”
“OK. Take my order please.”
“Well sir, you want the usual?”
“‘The usual?’ You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.”
“OK! This is it ...”
“May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?”
“What? I hate vegetables.”
“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
“How do you know?”
“We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”
“Okay, but I do not want this pizza! I already take medicine ...”
“Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.”
“I bought more from another drug store.”
“It’s not showing on your credit card statement.”
“I paid in cash.”
“But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.”
“I have other source of cash.”
“This is not showing as per you last tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.”
“WHAT THE HELL?”
“I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.”
“Enough! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me!”
“I understand, sir, but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.”