INTROSPECTION
It’s been a long day. I’ve been conflicted. I met someone from the past. And I realised how different I seem now. I have completely changed as a person now. My thoughts are astray. My passions are deranged. My bruises are well hidden and my scars are no longer visible. And so I try to find the person I used to be and ought to be like the perception of my being in another’s eyes. But they don’t know the magnanimous changes that took place these past few years. A storm rose inside me and I screamed out my lungs. I hit myself just to feel something to distract me from the heartache and I never let it show. Not even to the ones closest to me.
So dear God, when I stand in front of you tonight, it is out of desperation and need. I have only been following your cues; my heart has only followed the religion of kindness and the rising storms of my mind have only been silenced by your remembrance. And here I am, on my knees to ask you for more strength. For I am helpless and in despair. Only you can take me to a safe haven as New Year shines ahead at the horizon. I already see the snow melting away and spring blossom from where my hurt was spilled. All I ask of you is the humility in my struggle. A reassurance that you will sort my matters, immaculately.
Dear God, please make me forget the wrongdoers. Those who have caused me pain. Those who don’t understand me. People who incapacitate my growth. Those who are so engulfed in their own toxicity that they don’t even realise the pain they bring to others’ lives. Each night I plead to you to heal my wounds, to free my mind of their consuming thoughts and to help forgive. Help me forgive myself first, for I trusted them. I asked from them when I should’ve asked You.
Dear God, give me the strength and confidence to rely on my abilities. Make my heart pure. These tears are a symbol of gratitude and sacrifice. Make me mindful of my blessings. Shun away any ill intention and help me progress towards my rightful place in this world and hereafter.
For I cannot embark on these unknown shores without you. None of us can.
Dear God, too much has been lost in these past two years: our ability to breathe freely, be in each others lives without the worry of a looming pandemic, and our sense of being together. Many families have been changed forever and those who didn’t lose loved ones are still recovering from the long-lasting effects of seclusion. These are trying times. It was a test of our patience.
Please bless us with more patience and insight. Let us firmly believe You are the best of planners.
Ameen.