Letters

I am very confused and don’t know what I should do. Please help!

By You Desk
January 04, 2022

Hi Nadine,

I am a 45-year-old widow. I have two daughters, both married. My husband died last year and my daughters live in UAE. Since my husband’s death, I have been living alone. My own parents are not alive, and my only brother has his own family to look after. He visits me once a month and calls me daily but it’s not easy to live like that. My mother-in-law wants me to marry my husband’s eldest brother who is a widower. However, I feel embarrassed because I am 45! What will my daughters’ in-laws think about me? I cannot move in with my in-laws without having nikah with my brother-in-law because my extended family is very conservative and would not approve of it. My mother-in-law says I should not worry about what people think, and she also told me that since her health is bad, she may die soon and then no one will be looking out for me. I am very confused and don’t know what I should do. Please help!

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Confused Widow

Dear Confused Widow,

Living alone is very difficult, especially as one’s age advances. You are not really old and should consider re-marrying. Talk to your daughters and explain the situation to them. I am sure they will understand your position and problems, and will be at ease knowing that you are safe and not alone. Your mother-in-law seems like a very caring person, and wants to see you secure before she passes away. Listen to her and don’t think about what others will say. Are they helping you now? Why should you worry about people who don’t care about how you are managing things after your husband’s death? Our religion encourages widows’ remarriage, and you should take this opportunity to secure your life. Best of luck!

Salam Nadine,

I am a 24-year-old doctor. I took my postgraduate exam (FCPS Part 1) before marriage, but couldn't clear it. At present, I am not working, and my mother-in-law taunts me by praising her daughter as she cleared the exam on her first attempt. My husband is the most caring and loving person, ever. He has given me great emotional support, but when I tell him about his mother’s behavior he says I am imagining it.

Also, when I talk to my own mother about it she starts crying and tells me that this is all my fault as I was in a rush to get married and did not focus on my career, which is true. She says I should take the next date available and clear the exam as soon as possible.

I want to enjoy my initial period of marriage, but am pressured by my mother and mother-in-law who want me to start working. Is it so bad to want to relax for a while before focusing on my career? Am I really imagining things? I feel humiliated when she praises my sister-in-law in front of me. What should I do?

Frustrated Doctor

Dear Frustrated Doctor,

You have every right to enjoy the initial period of your marriage and relax. Don’t let your mother-in-law’s comments about her daughter’s accomplishment rattle you. In all probability, your mother-in-law wants to show off the fact that her daughter cleared her FCPS on her first attempt. Actually, it is a great achievement, and she is justified in feeling proud of it but, by rubbing it in when you did not make it is something she should avoid. Not all doctors clear this exam on their first attempt, and I am sure your sister-in-law knows it, too. So there is no need to feel humiliated about it.

Explain the situation to your own mother and tell her that you would also study seriously for the exam and take it when you feel you are prepared. Don’t let anyone rush you into taking the exam. Since you are not working, you can study for the exam. It is not easy to work and study for the exam at the same time. Good luck!

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