INTROSPECTION
Have you ever been asked “What’s your love language?”
Chances are, you have. The five love languages refer to the five simple ways that we want love to be shown to us and the ways that we show others love.
Some of the published studies confirm the validity of love languages, revealing they can increase people’s relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Love is a bit like a country’s currency: One coin or bill has great value in a particular country, less value in the countries that border it, and zero value in many other countries. In relationships, it’s essential to learn the emotional currency of the humans we hold dear and identifying their love language is part of it.
No matter your situation — whether you’re living alone, spending 24/7 with a partner or roommates, living with adult kids or steering younger kids through virtual school — the five love languages are a highly effective set of tools to have in your relational toolkit. When we know what another person’s love language is, we can choose the gestures that will most resonate with our partner, friend, parent or child. And when we know which actions speak to us and make us feel loved, we can ask other people for exactly what we need.
While there are plenty of online quizzes to tell you what your love language is, it’s easy to figure out yours and what your loved ones’ are by looking at what lights them up, what presents they give you (since many of us bestow on others what we would most like), and what their perfect day would look and feel like.
Here’s a look at the five languages and how they can be applied and optimized.
Love language #1: Words of affirmation
Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them. For example: “I really loved it when you made dinner last night” or “I love you.”
For the people in your life that you’re not seeing in person because of the pandemic, you could film a short video to send them. And for the people you are seeing all of the time these days, remember that even making tiny gestures matters.
Love language #2: Acts of service
Some of us feel most loved when others lend a helping hand or do something kind for us. In your home, you could be proactive and do something that eases your person’s daily grind. Why not take on the chore that everyone avoids doing, whether that’s cleaning the oven, changing the litter box, scraping ice off the car, or filling and running the dishwasher?
For anyone whose love tank is filled up by people pitching in, seeing someone intentionally scanning the environment to figure out what they can do to make their environment better sends a clear and loving message to them.
Love language #3: Gifts
Those of us whose love language is gifts aren’t necessarily materialistic. Instead, when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, it helps them feel special. Yes, truly, it’s the thought that counts.
When you’re out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your friend’s favourite snack and drop it by their door. It’s an act of love that will fill their mailbox and their emotional bank account.
Love language #4: Quality time
Having another person’s undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, it’s actually one of the easiest to engage in.
Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues you’ve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old-fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse — no phones or “I’m just going to turn on the TV for a second” distractions allowed. Nothing says “I love you” in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.
Love language #5: Physical touch
Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a hug with your partner at the end of the day.
If you know someone who’s overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, text a hugging face emoji and tell them you wish you could be doing this in person; even thinking about a warm embrace can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.
Loneliness is not just about being alone; it’s about experiencing a lack of satisfying emotional connections. By taking the time to learn each other’s love languages and then using them, we can strengthen our relationships and our bonds to others.