Dear Nadine Khan,
I am a 23-year-old girl. I have been in love with my neighbour, J, for the past six years. J is very handsome and I know that most of the girls in my apartment complex are interested in him, but he told me that he was not interested in anyone except me. I believed him but he was never sincere to me. I was serious with him, but he was flirting with me. He used to be very abusive with me. I became so frustrated that I started taking sleeping pills. I was so loyal to him that my friends used to make fun of me. Just to make him happy, I did everything he wanted, and had physical relationship with him for three years so he would stop going to other girls. I just wanted him to love me back, but I was wrong. Then six months back I met a guy, F, at a friend’s birthday party. He showed interest in me and asked me for my contact number. I was so distraught that I started talking to him on cell and we gradually became friends. I started taking interest in F, knowing full well that I was betraying J, but I could not stop myself. F asked me to meet him and I agreed. We met a few times and I told him about J. Coincidentally, F already knew J. Then, one day, F asked me to meet him, as he had something important to discuss with me. I thought he was going to propose to me, but he tried to be fresh with me. I told him off and ditched him after that. J is not aware of all this. I feel like I am paying for my bad deeds. J’s behaviour is getting even worse. I beg him to talk to me but he does not answer my call. What should I do? Should I tell him that I have betrayed him? But if I do that, he would stop talking to me. I will kill myself, but how will I face Allah? Please help!
Disturbed Primrose
Dear Disturbed Primrose,
You were pretty young when you started going out with J, and obviously made many mistakes. You were aware that he had other girlfriends, yet it did not deter you. Instead, you got into a physical relationship with him, so he would stop seeing other girls! In our culture, girls who sleep around are a good pass time, but not marriage material. You see, J got what he wanted without any commitment. Why should he have any respect for you, dear? I don’t understand why you did not break up with him when he started abusing you. How can you feel you have betrayed him since he never was sincere with you? Girl, you really need to snap out of it! J is not your husband or fiancé, and yet you are so concerned about betraying him. He was not even loyal to you when you had this relationship with him. He simply abused your innocence, and you still feel guilty about ‘betraying’ him! It is yourself that you have betrayed.
Unfortunately, F was also a jerk and the good thing is that you ditched him as soon as he showed you his true colours. When you got involved with J you were very young but now you are 23, and that means you are now an adult! You cannot simply blame J and F for everything; you, too, were at fault. Girl, where is your self-respect? Why do you take abuse from a sleazy, dirty guy like J? In all probability, J must have told F about you. After he was through with you, he passed you on to his friend, and that is why F kept questioning you so closely! If you really want to get out of this filth, break all connections with J, and pray to Allah to guide you. Talking of killing yourself, or taking pills will not get you anywhere. You need to make a fresh start. Give yourself a break and stay away from guys. Take interest in your studies, make new friends and if possible, new hobbies. Let your parents find a guy for you and get married! Good luck!