There have been some high profile cases of Pakistani men marrying foreigners. Waseem Akram, Imran Khan and Shoaib Malick. These men are touted as studs for bringing the non-Pakistani women to Pakistan. However, very few high profile women have married foreigners. Mathira hid her marriage till she had a baby and even then people only wrote nasty comments.
In the super hit movie PK, Pakistani boy Sarfaraz is shown shirtless in the apartment with a pantless Jaggo. In the movie, Reluctant Fundamentalist, Changez sleeps with Erica. However, a recent Pakistani drama showed a half-Pakistani girl marrying her white boyfriend. The drama was kicked out from the prime time slot.
The fact that Pakistani men are ranked 3rd Sexiest in America while Pakistani women are nowhere, points to a great gender imbalance within the Pakistani community. Boys have so much more social and physical mobility as compared to girls. Boys can upload pictures with girls, be in relationships and even the families joke with their boys about having girlfriends. They can dress as sexy and as revealing as they want to. In fact, no one bothered to care that this ranking implied a physical relationship between Pakistani boys and the American women.
On the other hand, Pakistani girls are guarded with strictest form of surveillance, hardly allowed to mingle with non-Pakistani boys, and can’t even think of uploading pictures with boys. Even if Pakistani girls go on dates or are in relationships, they remain uncomfortable and scared that someone might see them and it will ruin their lives. When Pakistani women look sexy, they get dirty labels and everyone questions their character. But boys are encouraged to go abroad, be independent and go out with friends. Girls are told to pray to God for a proposal to go abroad.
Interacting with members of Pakistani Diaspora, one realizes that though Pakistani women are also highly educated and even working in top professions, there are certain social barriers that exist for them in the name of culture and religion which men have been exempted from.
Boys are allowed overnight trips, they can actively take part in sports, drive around without supervision and interact with the non-Pakistani community. Things are a little different for girls. Having restrictions of clothes, overnight and overstate trips and who to socialize with, Pakistani girls have yet to make their mark in the world.
The situation is not that different locally. After I graduated from college, a lot of boys went abroad for their undergraduate degree. Within two or three months of their departure, many uploaded pictures with their arms around blonde girls. Many of those boys had their family members in their friend’s list. The majority of female lot first of all couldn’t go abroad or to other cities for education because the parents thought that something bad could happen or no proposals would come for such independent women. The lucky ones who did go were very careful in managing their profiles. Even then their relatives were stalking their profiles for potential gossip or just to keep a ‘check’. Also on social media platforms, one frequently comes across people criticising girls’ fashion, lack of scarf and what not, while guys can pose half-naked and be the Pakistani charm.
When I was in college, a boy told me how he had asked out a girl to be his date for the school party and when she said yes, it had baffled him. “I thought she was a decent girl, who would say no but man she is desperate.” Can you imagine how this makes girls feel about themselves? The guy took the first step but barred himself from judgment yet the girl was placed in the judgment belt. Three months later the guy asked me out. I said no. After that he went on spreading dirty rumours about me, which many pupils did believe initially.
Besides, girls with a past, meaning they had been in a relationship are labelled ‘used goods’. It isn’t necessary for the relationship to have been physical. Boys with a past are considered to be studs. In fact people say ‘boys will be boys’. There is a bravo factor involved when boys have had been in a relationship. Sometimes the family even cracks jokes about boys cohabiting with girls. Of course it is supposed to be a joke.
Once, a proposal of a guy was suggested for me, whom I then checked on Facebook and LinkedIn. The guy was seriously good-looking. So I stalked his profile in depth. I came across photos, where he had gone with his friends to an African tourist spot. In a few photos, he stood next to a mini-skirt-wearing white girl with his arm gliding the back of her shoulders. The white girl was probably a tourist or visitor as well. The funny thing is that the family members (including the father) of the guy had actually liked those photos, claiming him to be a woman-charmer. The proposal didn’t materialize as rejection came from the other side. The guy later married a hijab-observing woman.
It’s not just men but women too who propagate misogyny. I recently got to know from a lady that her nephew studying in Europe was sharing his accommodation with girls. “It is commonly accepted there,” she said so casually. I wonder if her niece or some other girl had been sharing her accommodation with boys. Would she still be calling it commonly accepted?
Even when girls are abroad, they are constantly scrutinized. They have to be super careful in the pictures they upload. Generally if the girl is in religious attire, she is somewhat off the hook.
There have been cases among Pakistani Diaspora where the daughters had boyfriends but once the family found out, those girls were taken to Pakistan on the very next flight and married off.
Besides Pakistani girls often have low self-esteem because they are made to feel bad about their height, weight and complexion. They are discriminated on the basis of their gender. They are ridiculed in the marriage industry - should bring lots of dowry, should live in a decent area, should be a lot younger than the boy and should be grateful for whatever douche bag’s proposal comes for her.
If Pakistan has Hamza Abbassi, Fawad Khan, Ali Zafar, (Zayn Maik is half-Pakistani) then Pakistan also has Mahnoor Baloch, Mahira Khan, Iman Ali, Humaima Malik, Amina Sheikh and the list goes on.
In the end, religious and cultural norms are for both girls and boys. Socialisation should not be gender bound. Don’t restrict your daughter’s right to education, travel, or freedom for some myopic concept of honour.
Too bad, the world hasn’t seen the charm of Pakistani women... and too bad the Pakistani women themselves don’t realise the charm they possess.