Pun fun

• How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
• “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
• I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
• How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
• When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.
• It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
• What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
• Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
• Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any
• What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
• I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
• She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
• Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care.
• I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
• Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
• My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
• Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other “how do you drive this thing?”
• The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
• I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
• I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
• Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
• What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.