Hi Nadine Khan,
I am a 33-year-old married working woman, and have two children. My problem is the hostile attitude of my mother-in-law, which is getting worse with time. She doesn’t like me because she wanted a housewife for her son, but my husband, R, and I work in the same company, and fell in love as we got to know each other. From day one, she started taunting me but I ignored it; I love my husband and she is his mother, so I thought with patience I would win her over. It didn’t happen and she is becoming toxic, although I never answer her back. Few weeks back, she told my husband that I am seeing another guy, because I get ready to go to work! My husband, to his credit, asked her to not to say anything for which she might earn God’s wrath. My husband is her only offspring, so I am stuck with her, but I don’t like it. My husband is a gem of a person, and I am a lucky woman because an average man in our society believes his mother and does not even ask his wife to explain. He trusts me, and is supportive. I try to give my mother-in-law a wide berth but it’s not working. Whatever I do provokes her. What should I do?
Distressed DIL
Dear Professor,
The story is long and full of trust and loyalty but I will make it short and simple for you...
I fell in love with a girl when I saw her picture in my cousin’s cell. This was my first experience of love. I contacted her and shared with her my feelings. We became more than friends, and I respect her from the core of my heart. I love her but there isn’t any lust in my feelings for her. All I want is to be in her heart always and forever the way she is in my heart always and forever.
Professor, after three and a half years of relationship, she left me for no reason, and with no explanation. Years have passed and I don’t know where she is, but I cannot forget her. I cry so much that it is now normal for me to go sleep with tears on my cheeks. I miss her very much! I dream of her almost daily, and I need your counsel regarding this.
Truelove
Dear Truelove,
You have neither mentioned your age, nor hers, so I can only guess that you are either in your teens or early twenties. You were friends with her for three years, which is a long time to be in a relationship, so it’s really strange that she left you without any explanation. But, did you tell her how serious you were? Was there any talk of marriage? Could it be that she gave up on you because you were living in an idyllic, make-believe world, with no thoughts about entering practical life? Girls’ parents want them to be married at suitable ages, and maybe she realised you just were in love with idea that you were in love with her. Whatever the reason behind her strange behaviour, you have mourned her love long enough and must now snap out of it. Pull yourself together, and if you are still a student, pursue your studies with zeal, and if you have completed your studies, concentrate on your career. Life does not end because of disappointments, and whatever blows we are dealt with must be taken on the chin. Be brave and move on because she already has done it.
If you cannot get over your depression even after keeping yourself busy, consult a psychiatrist. Best of luck!
Dear Distressed DIL,
You are lucky that your husband is a good person who trusts and supports you. The thing is that there isn’t much he can do, either. He does not have siblings, so he is totally responsible for his mother. You have not mentioned your father-in-law. If he is alive, try to talk to him, and get him on your side. If he speaks to your mother-in-law, it will have some impact on her. Your mother-in-law’s only focus is her son. She does all this stuff either because of jealousy or insecurity. Then you also keep to yourself, which probably upsets her more. She does not realise that you give her a wide berth because of her attitude, and thinks you only care about your husband and children. Try to engage her, dear. Trying to build a relationship as a person who is younger, educated and mature, can only show you in a good light, so don’t let your pride stop you from attempting it. She is wrong, but two wrongs don’t make a right. If she remains unchanged in her ways, you can start maintaining your distance, too. But if things improve, it would change the environment of your house for the better. I hope things work out. Best of luck!
Hello Nadine Khan,
I am a 25-year-old unmarried girl. I belong to a rich family and I am quite good looking. My parents received a proposal for me from our distant relatives whose son, D, works in Saudi Arabia. They told my parents that after the wedding their son will not take me with him, as they want their daughter-in-law to live with them in Karachi. They said that D will spend his holidays with me, but I will not visit him there.
I have another proposal, too, and this guy’s family lives near our house, so we have known them forever. In fact, his mother has always liked me. They are not as rich D and my father thinks that if we accept this proposal I will have to struggle for some time, but eventually will become comfortable financially as W is a qualified and hardworking person. He thinks I will have a better life with him as this family is very good. My mother, on the other hand, feels that D is very rich and things will work out in a couple of years. She says once D marries me, he will also want to be with me, and will tell his parents that he cannot live without me. My father has left the decision to me, but I am being pressured by my mother to accept D’s proposal. What should I do?
Troubled Girl
Dear Troubled Girl,
Your father is a sensible man and is seeing the complete picture, whereas your mother is blinded by the prospect of a rich husband for you. D’s family, to their credit, did not hide what they want, and must have discussed this with their son. So, you will not be able to ask D to call you because he will tell you that you accepted the proposal with your eyes open. There is no guarantee that he will call you to Saudi Arabia; that’s just wishful thinking on your mother’s part. Your decision should be based on facts in evidence and not on assumptions. I am not ruling out the possibility that D may tell his parents that he wants his wife to live with him, but no one can say for sure what will happen. Are you prepared to gamble your happiness on suppositions? What sort of a life will you have, waiting for your husband to come once a year, living with his parents? It will be very problematic and complicated and you will not be happy. The other proposal seems very good; you know the family and will be with your husband. Even if you have to struggle, it will be with your husband beside you. You will be near your parents, and with your husband. D parents don’t care about your happiness; they just want their son to remain under their influence, and that is why they don’t want him to live with his wife. Don’t give in to your mother, my dear. She wants you to marry into a rich family because she thinks money can make you happy, but she is wrong. Money does not guarantee happiness; it’s living with people who care about you that makes life beautiful. Best of luck!